All content on this website is copyrighted and may not be shared or copied without the author's permission
The AWEnesty of Autism
  • Blog
  • Contact Me
  • About Us
  • AWEnest Advocacy

Is It All Really Autism?

2/22/2018

14 Comments

 
To my son's teachers,

I was there once. In your seat.

Ok fine, maybe it wasn’t your actual seat, at your actual desk and I didn't have a sea of faces staring at me waiting to learn, but, I still know what it feels like to sit in that seat to wonder…to question…to not understand. And although you may have hundreds of faces watching and waiting for you to figure them out, there is one face in your class that is familiar to me and I have had that same face looking at me waiting too. Waiting and expecting you to get it, to get him.
 
There was a time when, like you, I didn’t understand autism. A time when I didn't understand how autism impacted him in ways that seemed questionable. Does his new winter coat really “hurt” because of his sensory struggles or does he just not want to go outside? He can recite an entire movie, yet, he can’t tell me about his day, so is finding his words really that difficult or does he just want to watch Spongebob instead? Are changes in routine really THAT hard and he can't bear the thought of going to grandmas on a weekday because we only ever go there on weekends or does he just not want to give up Minecraft this afternoon?

Is it all really autism?

I was you. I was ignorant and as his mother, it’s shameful to admit, but, at times, I was a doubter. Yep, there, I said it and I’m betting if you haven’t said it, you have thought it. In fact, I was so skeptical at times that I used to ask the therapists, how do I know where autism ends and his stubbornness begins? The answer: you don’t.
 
There is no way to tell where my son’s autism begins and ends. Autism is not a continuous line with a start point and a stop point that allows you to see where it ends and where other traits, traits that may seem like stubbornness, laziness, carelessness, or even rudeness begins. Autism is intertwined in all that he is and all that he does. It does not define him, but, it is a part of him and there is no on or off switch. There is no way to really understand why one day he seems “checked in” and other days he seems “checked out” and because of that, my son wears a cloak of competence right over top of the five Hollister shirts he wears every week. That cloak can be suffocating to him and confusing to you.
 
How can he do a task one day and not the next? I mean, if he can read this book and write this essay, why can’t he read that book and write that essay? If he can spend hours focusing on Minecraft, but, can’t pay attention to your lecture on the Civil War for five minutes, is that autism or is he just apathetic? If he is mumbling or scripting softly to himself is his sensory system overloaded because the kid next to him wore too much cologne today or because he doesn't give a damn about finding the area of a quadrilateral? If I had the answer, I would be rich, my kid, and kids like him, wouldn’t struggle and you wouldn’t need to open a bottle of wine at the end of the school day.

Bottom line is I have to trust him, I have to believe him and I try not to doubt him because he is autistic and I'm not.
 
I will never know why things that were easy yesterday are hard today. Could it be the new socks he is wearing? Could it be the smell of the new floor polish the custodian used last night? Could it be your vibrant patterned shirt that is distracting him? Could it be the two hour delay that changed the schedule or the fire drill that disrupted his work? I don’t know, and honestly, he might not know either, but, because of that cloak of competence, it leads you to wonder…is it all really autism?
 
Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt that there are times throwing out The A Word might benefit him, might help him take the easy path, because honestly, who among us doesn’t want easy the majority of the time, but, just like I have not really sat in your seat, you haven’t sat in his. And neither have I.

We have to trust him, we have to believe him, and we must try not to doubt him because he is autistic and we are not.
 
Many autistics do not approve of the puzzle piece as the logo for autism because they do not believe there is anything missing or puzzling about them. The logo was created by neurotypicals for neurotypicals. If you ask most people with autism, they think YOU are the mystery. And as a student, most probably don’t care if you figure out autism, they just want you to figure out them. A task that is easier said than done with a sea of faces waiting for you to get each and every one of them.
 
I don’t have the answers for you. Sorry. My kid might though. Rather than ask why he didn’t complete the assignment, ask what he might need to help him complete it. Rather than assume he is being lazy, ask if he didn’t understand the homework or did he just get sucked into killing more creepers in Minecraft and forgot to do it. You might get a straight answer, you might not, but, if you ask, he will at least know that in the sea of faces staring at you for 52 minutes, there is one face that is grateful you tried to really genuinely see him.
 
I was there once, in your seat, and some days, I still am. I empathize with you, I legitimately do. So, scooch over, and let me sit down. Maybe between my son, you and me, we can "get" him together, but, we have to trust him, we have to believe him, and we must try not to doubt him because he is autistic and we are not. As his mom, I am always here to help him and you, so, please don't ever hesitate to ask me how to get from there to here or to invite me over when you do open that bottle of wine. 

Thanks for listening, thanks for trying, thanks for teaching.

Ryan's Mom
Picture
One of many teachers who trusted him, believed him and did not doubt him.
14 Comments
Martha Giovannoni
2/26/2018 06:33:27 pm

I am a grandmother of an autistic grandson. I am so impressed with the article you have written. Would like a copy with your permission to pass along to my daughter and son-in-law. Thanks again for the beautiful and powerful article.

Reply
Colleen
2/26/2018 06:40:22 pm

Thank you... I too have a son with autism and its almost as though you have written this from my heart directly.. God bless you and your sweet amazing boy:)

Reply
Kate Hooven link
2/27/2018 12:54:33 pm

Martha, please feel free to share!!

Reply
Keke Stickney
2/26/2018 07:28:53 pm

I loved your post. I've taught k-12 for 16 years. My 17 year old is high on the spectrum. I too get frustrated when other teachers refrain from simply asking...What can I clarify for you?
In addition, Im not on the spectrum.
But I hate history. I love marg and science. I can't stand writing poetry. Does this mean I have a learning disorder? No. It means im human.
Kids on or off the 'spectrum', like or dislike lots of things.
I always tell people...wben you look back in history...it was the individuals who thought differently who are famous. The people who were probably ON the spectrum changed the world. Changed music, art, space exploration, math, astronomy etc...Celebrate your difference. Celebrate being different.
Being 'typical', is boring.
Change the world.
Own your viewpoint. Own your "Disorder"??? Youre amazing. Maybe you'll be the next person to change the world! :)
Monet, Picasso, Galileo, Einstein, Gates, whomever instilled change is rge ordinary thinkers. :)

Reply
Julie Vallecillo
2/27/2018 01:24:17 am

Your letter touched my heart. Thank you for sharing and putting into words how it feels to have kids with AWEtism!

Reply
S
2/27/2018 04:04:42 am

I love this! So kind and caring :-) For support for teachers and parents, Dr. Greene's lives in the balance website is very helpful. It's all about positivity and working with the individual as a team to solve problems and teach skills.

Reply
Susan
2/27/2018 04:09:38 pm

I have a 2 yr old grandson on the spectrum. A very well thought out point of view and much appreciated. I think all individuals with autism are awesome. I do however wish that the author refererred to her son as having autism and not autistic.Mention the person first, not identify him as a disorder. A much more respectful phrasing. As far as the missing piece of the puzzle, I believe it is not the person with autism, but rather the typicals who need to find that piece. That piece is the ability to accept and understand without question. Not just for those with autism, but all "atypical" persons. I love my grandson with all my heart and my only hope for him is that the typical world treats him with respect and doesn't make his journey through life harder in anyway.

Reply
Michelle Castelli
2/27/2018 10:57:12 pm

As a mother of an autistic teenager and a HS English teacher I say thank you from the bottom of my heart. This is so beautifully written and on target. Honestly, this is great advice for any parent or teacher to apply to all the children, so many have do much more going on then we know. Taking the time to see each child as their own person is what we all need to do, even more so with an autistic child. One thing I have learned is that too some level I have no idea the heights my child can soar to, he amazes me everyday, while equally driving me crazy. Lol

Reply
June Pimm Ph. D link
2/28/2018 08:18:08 am

As a Psychologist working in The field of autism I wonder if the diagnosis really makes a difference in your interactions with your child? Wouldn't it be easier to see him as an individual and let it go at that? Do we really need the label

Reply
Christina
2/28/2018 03:03:24 pm

Diagnosis helped so much because we knew she couldn’t help it. And I could tell everyone else, I told you so. Too many people thought she was rude and I was not disciplining her enough etc

Reply
Cheryl
2/28/2018 09:34:40 am

Truly on point. My 5 year old is on the spectrum and I too have doubted.. and then I wonder and I feel guilty.. and I keep trying and listening and talking to him, and I am his mother and I understand him better than anyone, as best I can. They are all special and beautiful and they deserve that we try to get them. Thank you for your article.

Reply
Christina
2/28/2018 03:00:25 pm

Omigod, you are me. Thank you for posting this.

Reply
Cynthia Chase link
3/10/2018 08:45:02 am

This is the best description of our 15-year-old grandson I have ever seen. Thank you so much.

Reply
thirdeye link
5/7/2018 04:04:54 am

I stumbled upon this site on an online search for something that will give me some details for Autism.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    The Mighty Contributor

       Author

    Picture
    Keeping it real, raw, and AWEnest while laughing, loving and living in our world 
    touched by Autism.
    If you would like to subscribe to this blog ...

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

    Definition of Awe:
    "a mixed emotion of
    reverence, respect, dread and wonder inspired by authority, genius, great
    beauty, sublimity or might." Yep, someone should have consulted a mom 
    before
    spelling AWEtism.

    Archives

    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013

    Categories

    All
    A Blink Of An Eye
    Acceptance
    Advocates
    Aestivation
    Alone
    ASD
    ASD
    ASD And Disney
    ASD Empathy
    Asd Love
    Atypical
    Austin Powers
    Autism
    Autism Acceptance
    Autism Adults
    Autism And Alone
    Autism And Disney
    Autism And Emotions
    Autism And Fevers
    Autism And Field Trips
    Autism And Friends
    Autism And Homework
    Autism And Hope
    Autism And Lonely
    Autism And Media
    Autism And Police Interaction
    Autism Awareness
    Autism Awareness 2016
    Autism Brothers
    Autism Emotions
    Autism Empathy
    Autism Feelings
    Autism Friends
    Autism Idioms
    Autism Journey
    Autism Lessons
    Autism Love
    Autism Meltdown
    Autism Moms
    Autism Routine
    Autism Routines
    Autism Self Advocacy
    Autism Self-Awareness
    Autism Siblings
    Autism Speaks
    Autism Spectrum Disorders
    Autism Swimming
    Autism Tour Guide
    Autistic Enough
    Awe Inspiring
    Awe-inspiring
    Back To School
    Baseball
    Beach
    Beauty
    Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
    Big
    Black And White Thinking
    Brady Bunch
    Bravery
    Breaking Bad
    Bridge Over Troubled Water
    Bugs
    Bullying
    Champion
    Change
    Change Of Heart
    Changes
    Chatty Cathy Doll
    Childhood
    Christmas
    Clothes And Autism
    Clueless
    College
    Communicating
    Communication Skills
    Comparing Disabilities
    Confidence
    Conscious Uncoupling
    Creepers
    Criticsm
    Day Of Pampering
    Death And Dying
    Denial
    Diet
    Differences
    Different
    Different Not Less
    Disability
    Disney World
    Donkey
    Donuts
    Dr. Seuss
    Early Bird Gets The Worm
    Eddie Murphy
    Ed Sheeran
    Educators
    Emily Dickinson
    Emoji
    Estivation
    Facebook
    Facial Cues
    Fear Of Santa
    Fears
    Fifty Shades Of Grey
    First
    Flags Of Autism
    Friends
    Gifts
    Groundhog Day
    Growing Up
    Guest Blogger
    Hades
    Halloween
    Happy
    He Is There
    Helicoptoring
    He Loves Me
    He Loves Me Not
    History Of Autism
    Holidays And Autism
    Homecoming
    Homework
    Honesty
    Hope
    Hovering
    Hygiene
    Hygiene Autism
    I Am Sorry
    I Am You
    Idioms
    Include
    Inclusion
    Inside Out
    Instagram
    Invisible
    IPhone
    It Takes A Village
    John Elder Robison
    Judgement
    Julia Muppet
    Kate Upton
    Kisses
    Language
    Left Out
    Legacy Of Autism
    Letter To Me
    Letter To My Son
    Lifeguard
    Limited Diet
    Listen To Your Heart
    Literal Thinking
    Loch Ness Monster
    Loving A Child With Autism
    Matthew McConaughey
    Minecraft
    Minecraft Autism
    Moms
    Mother's Day
    Mothers Day
    Mothers Disabled Children
    Mothers Love
    Mothers Of Children With Autism
    Music
    Musical Gift
    Music Autism
    Myths About Autism
    Neurotribes
    New Clothes
    New Years
    Not Alone
    Not Less
    Parenting
    Peanut Gallery
    People Magazine
    Peter Brady Voice Change
    Pets
    Piano
    Placebo Effect
    Play
    Pointing
    Police
    Pool
    Proud To Stand Out
    Read Across America
    Relief Pitcher
    Remorse
    Risks
    Rituals
    Roar
    Routines
    Same Old Song And Dance
    School
    Scripting
    Sensory
    Sesame Street
    Sharing Interests
    Sharks
    Showers
    Showing
    Shrek
    Siblings
    Singing
    Small Talk
    Social
    Social Circles
    Social Communication Disorder
    Social Media
    Social Skills
    Speech
    Stereotypes
    Steve Silberman
    Stickers
    Summer
    Summer Camps Autism
    Support
    Surfers Healing
    Talk The Talk
    #TBT
    Teacher
    Teachers
    Team
    Temple Grandin
    Thankful
    Thanksgiving
    The AWEnesty Of Autism
    The A Word
    #thedress
    The Jeffersons
    The Old Me
    The Outsiders
    Throwback Thursday
    To Tell Or Not To Tell
    Touch
    Trick Or Treat
    Trying To Understand
    Unexpected
    Vacations And Autism
    Vacations And Autism
    Video Games
    Walk The Walk
    Walter White
    Weather
    Wheaties
    Wine
    Wishes
    Wizard Of Oz
    Words
    World Autism Awareness Day
    Zombies

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.