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A Long Overdue Letter to My Son

6/16/2016

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Dear Ryan,

This letter has been a long time coming. It is way overdue. And even though you may not think it's necessary and it's filled with Mommy's typical "gibberish" you find so annoying, I needed to write it. For you. For me.

Although I may fill this page with too many words that will make your "head hurt", there are only six words that you need to tuck into a file in your brain where your heart can always retrieve them:

I am sorry.

I love you.

I am sorry for all the times I got it wrong. There were so many, many times.

The times I tried to force eye contact by gently turning your head and saying "Look at Mommy". The times I insisted you wear clothes that you hated for family photos, special occasions, etc because I thought you were being "stubborn". The times I tried so hard to help you conform, to help you be like "the rest of the kids" when it was me wanting to be like "the rest of the moms".

I am sorry. 


We are very different, you and me, and that is not a bad thing at all, it just means what works for me may not work for you and it took a long time for mommy to figure that out. In fact, some days I still get it wrong. I am sorry for the times that I get it wrong, for the times that I get you wrong.

I am sorry for the times I pushed too hard, too far. For the times I pushed you before you were ready, before it was your time. Yes, watching you struggle to keep up with your peers was hard, so sometimes I pushed you as much for you as I did for me. I am sorry.

I am sorry for the times I didn't push enough. The times I thought it would be too hard for you so I let you slide. The world won't let you slide so by making excuses, by letting it go, I did you a disservice.

I am sorry for the times I thought I got it right. The times I thought I understood your overloaded sensory system and tried to help but only made things worse. The times I thought you preferred to be alone and believed that your loneliness was somehow different than those without autism. The times I thought I finally got it, but, still had so much to learn.

I am sorry for the times I lost my patience, yelled, swore and cried when I could not reach you. I know you were trying to let me in, but didn't know how. I am sorry that I tried to break down the door when you were working so hard on the other side to gently open it.

I am sorry.

It may be difficult for you to understand, but, through all my mistakes, through all my successes, through all the highs and lows, I did it all because I love you.

I love you for working so hard and never giving up.

I love you for never judging those who judge you.

I love you for always, without fail, being YOU.

I love you for helping me see the way you view the world and for not giving up on me for my lack of understanding.

I love you for loving me in your perfectly beautiful way. No one will ever love me like you.

I love you for forgiving me even when I didn't deserve your forgiveness.

I love you for accepting me just as I am, flawed, silly, confusing and "horribly annoying".

I love you for so many reasons Ryan, but, the one that matters most to me, the one that will always supercede the rest, I love you for letting me love you.

Just six words:

I am sorry.

I love you.


Mom
2 Comments

10 Reasons Why Autism and Summer Clash

6/9/2016

3 Comments

 
Ahhh...do you hear that? It's the sound of children banging around in the kitchen trying to make their own breakfast while you try to sleep off your Orange is the New Black binge watching hangover. As you curse the sound of Fruity Pebbles spilling all over the floor you remind yourself it's not the end of the world because first of all, you are not wearing an orange jump suit and serving 8-10 years, and second of all, since there is nowhere to go you can just continue to lie in bed and let the dog clean up that rainbow sugary mess. No, it's not Mother's Day or your birthday, it's summer. Let the love/hate relationship with the season I love/hate the most begin!!

Summer is warm summer nights, popsicle sunsets, staying up late, bathing in the pool instead of the bathtub and no homework. Praise God there is no vague writing assignments, no common core math and no tardy slips for rolling into school 30 seconds after the bell rings. Thirty seconds, seriously...cut me a break...again...please?!

Summer for my autistic son is also a love/hate season. Ryan is ecstatic that summer is upon us, yet, anxious that the school year has come to an end. There are mutiple reasons why these hot summer days bring us both joy and anxiety. Here are just a few:

1. Bugs. Big ones, little ones, flying ones, crawling ones. Summer equals warm weather (love) which unearths the bugs, which we now call "things", and these unearthed "things" equal anxiety (hate). 

2. Hooray, there is no schedule (love)!! Oh dear God, there is no schedule (hate)!! Yes, not as much running to and fro certainly equals less screaming to "Hurry up before we are tardy (again)", but, not as much to do is NOT necessarily a good thing for a child who craves routine, who loves a schedule and who always wants to know "what to expect" next. 

3. No more packing the EXACT SAME SCHOOL LUNCH EVERY SINGLE DAY (love), but, figuring out what to feed him since that lunch is for school only, causes my chest to constrict (hate). No, we cannot eat Little Ceasars Pizza every single day for lunch (can we?).

4. The pool is officially open so some days the pool becomes one big bath tub (love) so there really is no reason to shower. Ever. Just like his brain takes a break over the lazy days of summer, so does his hygiene (hate). I mean, if we have nowhere to go, why is cleanliness even an issue?

5. No reason to brush teeth ever. See number 4.

6. Ryan struggles so much to "fit in", so, summer time means a temporary freeze on many awkward social situations (love), but, the end result is a summer spent in his room alone (hate). 

7. Thunderstorms. Summer means cool fronts clashing with warm fronts which means the wonderful smell of a summer rain (love), but, if there is a greater than 80% chance of a thunderstorm someone is NOT going outside (hate). Good bye plans for the day. It's that time of year we consider blocking The Weather Channel.

8. Summer means increasing his building expertise and using his imagination as he creates new worlds in Minecraft (love), but, it means way more freedom to withdrawal from this world into the world of Creepers, Zombies and Spider Jockeys (hate).

9. More time with mom means I continue to learn more and more about his incredibly unique mind and his beautiful heart (love), but, as much as I love it, I know he would much rather be walking the mall with a group of teenagers. Summer can be very, very lonely (hate).

10. Summer means time for vacations, time to explore somewhere new (love), but, for a kid who likes routine, leaving his comfort zone and trying somewhere new is usually met with a great deal of grumbling and resistance (hate). If it ain't the beach, he ain't going.

Ahhhh...yes, welcome summer. I love to love and hate you.

Orange is the New Black begins right about the time I start comparing Ryan's bedroom to the SHU (Segregated Housing Unit for those of you unfamiliar with Litchfield Penitentiary) as he spends much of his time in solitary confinement.

There are plenty of reasons why summer and autism clash. The lazy days of summer are too lazy, too carefree, too unscheduled, too much. So, there are plenty of reasons for me to despise summer, but, rather than focus on the bugs, the weather and the smell of boy seeping from under his bedroom door, I try to focus on all the reasons Ryan and I both love summer because even on the hard days, even in the tough moments, we both know the seasons will change almost as quickly as he does.

Picture
Popsicles, bugs, and boredom. Ahhh...it's summer time!
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