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A Different, Not Less Christmas

12/19/2016

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I'm making a list and I'm checking it twice...and thrice...and whatever words means a fourth time and a fifth time. After one final go over, I pull up the calculator app on my phone, tally up the cost of each item on the list and I know that the word that comes flying out of my mouth confirmed my spot on the naughty list. Again.

As I grab my keys and coat and decide I HAVE to go to Target for the 45th time this holiday season, I'm stopped by the Ghost of Christmas Past. Snatching my Red Card from my hand, this ghost of years gone by not too gently screams in my ear, "Remember last year? And the year before that? And the year before that?". I put on my best innocent face and tell the ghost that I have no idea what he is talking about, then I ask him to get the he** out of my house, snatch my Red Card from his (I assume it's a him since he is lecturing me on spending) gnarled, bony hand because I HAVE to go shopping for Ryan.

The lists between my three kids just don't add up. Again. They never have. And in years past I thought it mattered. I mean, REALLY mattered. Sitting in the Target parking lot, with the Ghost of Christmas Past's voice still ringing in my ears, I frantically search the internet on my phone for some last minute Christmas ideas for Ryan. As I type in every word having to do with Pokemon in Google's search bar, it hits me that I do remember last year, and the year before that and the year before that, so, I put my car in reverse and head back home. I hate when ghosts are right.

I love my kids equally, yet, differently, because they are each unique individuals whose love for me and from me is as unique as they are. However, at Christmas time, I feel like everyone must be treated equally by the number of presents received and the amount of money spent on each one. And unfortunately, it always seems like Ryan is on the short list.

Here's the thing though, Ryan has never wanted much "stuff". Oh, sure he has a few items on his Christmas list...all video game related, but, after only two or three games, his list is complete, unlike his siblings whose lists go on and on and on. His list, on paper, (or in this case, in Notes on his iPhone) is different, not less.

Even when Ryan was little, he never played much with toys, not in the way you would expect a child to play with toys. Autism made what he played with and how he played different. Yet, as the Ghost of Christmas Past reminded me, that didn't stop me from spending hundreds of dollars on stuff Ryan didn't care about or want. Toys, video games and clothes often ended up at our neighborhood yard sale unopened and in "brand new" condition. I could have had my own ebay store from all the stuff I so desperately thought Ryan "had to have".

In many ways, autism tends to make Ryan incredibly practical. He may be aware of what all the other kids have on their Christmas lists, but, he doesn't care enough to join the masses. "Why would I want a bunch of crap I don't even know anything about?", he shouts at me. Ummm...I guess because it makes "Santa" feel better? And that's what the not so subtle Ghost of Christmas Past was trying to tell me. For many Christmas pasts, "Santa" made it all about my needs and wants, not Ryan's.

As with so many moments on this autism journey, I had to step back and ask myself, is this about Ryan or is this about me? More times than I care to count, it has been about me. Even at Christmas. (Insert holiday guilt here).

I think early on, I so desperately wanted Ryan to be like all the kids on the toy commercials, in the neighborhood and in his school, that somehow I thought if he just got all this "stuff" it would help. It didn't. Ryan was Ryan and every toy on the Hot Toy List wasn't going to change him.

Thank God.

Ryan is unique. He is different in so many beautiful ways, so why shouldn't his Christmas list be as unique as he is? Even though his list is much shorter than his brother and sister's lists, Ryan will be thrilled with what he finds under the tree on Christmas morning, so why should I fill one more Target cart with stuff to make me feel better?
​
This Christmas morning as Emma opens up her 12th pack of Shopkins, and Kyle sports his latest $119 Green Bay Packer's Jersey, Ryan will be happily playing Pokemon Sun on his three year old Nintendo 3DS waiting for Charmander to evolve into its next form. He will not believe his brother or sister are loved more than he is because they have an extra gift or two. Ryan knows that he is loved beyond measure and that no Christmas list can ever begin to tally up our love for him.

​And as I sit back in a room littered with wrapping paper and cardboard remnants, I will remind myself not to count the number of presents for each kid under the tree, but, to add up all the wonderful gifts I have been given in raising three uniquely beautiful children as the Ghost of Christmas Past slips out of the room and whispers, "See you next year".

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To His "Ladies" Who Looked Up

12/1/2016

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Dear "Ladies",
 
I want you to know that even though I’m old and wrinkly and my back hurts when I sit too long, run too hard and stand too much, I once was a teenage girl. I swear to God, it’s true. And I remember, how hard it was to be a teenager…even back in the old days…before the Internet…before Snapchat….before "tweeting" meant anything other than a sound a bird makes when it's happy.
 
Yeah, there was a time like that. I know, right?!
 
Even though we are decades (many, many decades) apart and the world is a very different place, I still remember how uncertain I felt going from a little girl to a young woman. I remember wanting so desperately to fit in, to be part of the crowd, to wear the right things, to say the right things, and most importantly, to do the right things. Sometimes though, the right things weren’t always so right. Sometime “right” meant cool, popular, trendy or what every other single teenage girl was doing so help me God I had to do it too. Sometimes “right” was wrong.
 
I can even remember when right felt wrong, but, doing it anyway. I remember there were times I was so consumed with me and what I wanted, what I needed, that I’m sure I failed to see what others wanted and needed around me. I’m sure there were kids in the lunch room, on the bus and walking the halls that were also trying to do the right thing. Kids who desperately wanted and needed to feel accepted and seen as much as I did and who longed for me (or anyone) to take the focus off myself for just one second, and look up and see them. I’d like to think that sometimes I did look up because the alternative fills me with shame.
 
I know that there have been plenty of times this school year that Ryan has so desperately wanted someone to look up and see past themselves and see him. To look up from their phone, to smile at him in the hallway and to offer him a place at the lunch table. Autism makes initiating connections difficult, but, he wants that connection, that feeling of belonging as much as you do, even though his actions may speak otherwise, or frankly, not speak at all.
 
You "ladies" (as Ryan respectfully calls you) have looked up. You have smiled. You have offered him a safe haven in a cafeteria full of people who are trying so hard to be right that they often don’t see when they are wrong. I get it, I truly do, like I said, being a teenager is hard and that’s why I am so grateful that you have taken the time to look outside yourselves, to look up and see someone else, to see him. You will never know the impact you have made on him and on me.
 
Ryan does not want you to see a label. He does not want you to see all the ways he may be different, he wants you to see all the ways he is the same. You have to look up to see that, and thankfully, you did. 
 
And the best thing about you looking up, you have found a friend who will literally and figuratively always do what is right. He will never lie, he will never pretend to be someone he is not, he will never gossip about you, he will never intentionally hurt your feelings, he will respect you, protect you and most importantly, he will value your friendship in a way many others won’t because friendship is something he has worked so hard to achieve so he will never, ever take you or your friendship for granted.
 
So as his mother, the old lady who once was a wrinkle-free teenager who could sit, run and stand without needing Ibuprofen, words can’t express my gratitude that you ladies took the time to look beyond yourself and to see my son. I have known for a very long time all that he can offer as a friend, I’m glad that you took just a moment to look up and discover him too.

Sincerely,

Ryan's Mom 
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Ryan's "ladies". Shared with their permission.
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