All content on this website is copyrighted and may not be shared or copied without the author's permission
The AWEnesty of Autism
  • Blog
  • Contact Me
  • About Us
  • AWEnest Advocacy

Fly Baby, Fly

5/17/2016

1 Comment

 
Almost every year, we get a bird's nest either in our hanging ferns on our back porch or on a small bush right next to the porch. As much as I get annoyed at the mother bird always squawking at me for sitting on MY freaking porch, it is fun to peak in at the baby birds and watch how quickly they change. Yeah, I know, my peaking is precisely why mama bird is squawking at my nosy a**.

Those tiny little helpless birds peck through their eggs into a world that is new to them. A world where they are completely dependent on their mama to keep them alive. And those baby birds get louder and louder when they need something to help them survive or thrive like food, water or a swift quick out of the nest when they have stayed too long. 

For such a short while, those little birds count on mama bird for EVERYTHING. The babies are too weak, too little and not quite savvy enough to leave the nest and make it on their own. Over a very short period of time, those birds start to stretch their wings, testing them to see if they are ready to fly and just how far they can make it alone. Then one day, there is silence and as I peak in the nest (keeping an eye out for angry mama) the birds are gone. They have figured it out, so they go it alone and leave mama bird sitting alone on my pool fence. I actually feel kind of sorry for her, until her next nest of birds arrive along with her angry squawk.

As I watched my "baby bird" take the stage last week at his last middle school chorale performance, I couldn't help but think back to those early days, when like all babies, he needed me to survive. To feed him, love him, protect him and nurture him. Just like those baby birds, Ryan's cries were necessary to let me know he needed something, but, I couldn't always decipher what that something was and I felt as helpless as mama bird on my fence not knowing what to do next.

The difference between my baby bird and all the other birds his age, was that my baby held onto mama much longer than all the other birds flying around the neighborhood. For Ryan, the world outside the nest was scary and confusing, so it was much safer to stay than it was to go. So, I had no problem holding him tight and keeping his wings clipped.

Just like that annoying mama bird squawking, hovering and being a wee bit overprotective of her almost ready to take flight youngins, I may be guilty of trying to keep Ryan in the nest longer than necessary. I justify my hovering by wanting to protect him from all the predators and inherent dangers in the world. A world that is somewhat harder for him to navigate and land safely. I'd be lying though if I didn't confess that part of my reason for such protective hovering and squawking is I fear the day I too am alone on the pool fence with an empty nest mocking me. 

As I watched Ryan cross the stage last week and find his place, he quickly scanned the audience for his mama bird. When our eyes met, he beamed. Ryan no longer needs me like he once did, the nest continues to get quieter and quieter (unless of course he is singing his head off to some Coldplay song in his bedroom), but, it's nice to know I am still sitting on the fence not far away if the world gets too big or scary. Ryan knows that no matter how far he flies, if his wings get tired and he needs to rest, he knows where he can safely land.

Watching Ryan approach the microphone for his brief solo, he no longer resembled that scared baby bird who was afraid to fly without me. He was confident, strong and his song was beautiful, and in that moment I knew that no matter where he goes, I will always hear him, even when perched alone on the pool fence.

High school will bring new adventures, new rewards, and new struggles, but, I have been watching Ryan stretch his wings for years and I know that when he is ready to fly, this little bird will soar beyond his mama bird's wildest dreams. I just hope he throws me a worm from time to time as I happily sit on the pool fence watching and protecting from afar.
Picture
Waiting to sing his song and spread his wings.
1 Comment

I Blinked. WTF?!

1/20/2015

1 Comment

 
Picture
Well, I did it. I blinked. Yep, I had been warned not to, multiple times, but, I did it anyway and in the nanoseconds it took me to blink, my boy grew up. Not all the way up. Not so grown that he can vote, order a beer with his grilled cheese sandwich at Red Robin, or fill out a W-2 form, but, grown up enough that there are times I wish I had listened to those doomsdayers and propped my eyelids open so I would not in fact, blink.

"It goes by so fast", people decades older than me would say when they looked longingly at my beautiful little Ryan as a tiny baby.  "He will be grown in the blink of an eye", chimed the old folks who wistfully saw their own, now grown baby in the face of my son. "Enjoy them while they are young", they would shout as their own happy memories went careening through their mind in a "blink of an eye".
 
At the time I thought, "What a bunch of negative naysayers!". However, now, I realize that these folks had already blinked and they saw moments that were still ahead for me, but, were gone for them. So, why not ruin my joy for 10 seconds, right?! Back then, I thought these naysayers were ridiculous. I thought they were exaggerating. I certainly thought that an eye took much longer to blink, than 300-400 milliseconds, but, alas, as usual, this young'in was wrong, and my curmudgeonly, naysaying elders were right. The knew because they had blinked.

Picture
Funny thing is, although my heart breaks at the thought of my "babies" growing up and leaving me, through some of Ryan's childhood moments I swear I intentionally blinked rapidly, almost a self defense mechanism that put me and my friend Denial in the dark. I would repeatedly blink...open, shut, open, shut...wanting "this" moment, "this" phase", "this" difficult period to end and move on quickly to the next one. I would blink because I worried about how long "this" phase would last, what others thought when they witnessed "this" phase, and how long good old mom could handle "this" phase before I went through my own phase at a quiet, secluded, heavily medicated, location.

Now, as I look back, and can see for myself how quickly it's all going, I want to super glue my eyelids open. I blink (because my brain tells my eyes to do so) and then I think, WTF?! "WTF", an equally quick, abbreviated acronym that I say quietly inside my head almost as frequently as I blink, but, not nearly as frequently as my sweet little boy, turned teenager says....out loud.

It's true how quickly life passes by and sadly, you can't super glue your eyelids open, you really do have to blink (for a whole host of medical reasons that I can't get into here because I'm too dumb). I swear in this day of modern technology, the blinking has become faster, the pace quicker and the time on hyper-speed, all things my wise elders also warned me about. In this tech savvy day of texting, we are so hurried that in the blink of an eye, we can abbreviate a sentence and eliminate the swear word (WTF, WTH, GTFO, HS). We can shorten a hearty laugh to (LOL, LMFAO) and we can hurriedly abbreviate an expression of love (ILYSM, XOXO). In our attempt to blink quickly and move on, we often don't take the time to really swear when we need to, laugh when we can, and love when we feel it.

Picture
If I'm AWEnest, there were many times as we traversed the new, uncharted territory of autism that I did not want to feel so much, and would have loved an abbreviated shortened version of my emotions, but, since texting chat wasn't even known to me, I just tried to blink quickly instead. 

Even though Ryan took his good old time when it came to potty training, I couldn't blink fast enough to get through it. The shirt chewing and the remove every tag that could possibly be felt anywhere phase, destroyed many a shirt, so I tried to blink away that phase in order to have a little money left for retirement. The echoing like a parrot phase was so frustrating for both of us because Ryan couldn't communicate what he wanted and so I couldn't determine his needs and this frustration caused warp speed blinking. And although I would not want to relive those phases, I'm now smack down in the middle of the "WTF" stage. Blink, blink, blink, blink.

Back when Ryan refused to go number 2 on the potty, or stop chewing his shirts or only answered my question with my question, all I could think was, "When will this pass?" and "Why can't he be like everyone else?". Maybe not the best Mom of the Year thoughts, but, they were AWEnest thoughts none the less. Now, today, with Ryan's abbreviated, text like teenage language, I got my wish...sort of.

Picture
This WTF'ing has been happening as frequently, and as quickly, as a blink of the eye. And if I must say, in a shameful somewhat braggish sort of way, for a boy who sometime struggles with communication and finding the right words, Ryan uses WTF quite appropriately. A dropped Jello Vanilla Pudding on the floor, "WTF?!". A missing homework assignment that is due tomorrow. "WTF? It was right here!" as he scavenges his bedroom in search of the missing paper. A photo of our friends' adorable tiny white dog leaving the groomer with purple chalk colored ears, "WTF happened to Ruby?!" (after a disclaimer that he knows he shouldn't say WTF, but, well, the situation called for it). I guess I should be grateful there is an abbreviated form of swearing that enables my son to follow the rules of not swearing yet still makes him take pride in the fact that he looks and sounds like all the other teenagers. 

I've tried to explain to my literal language interpreter that even though he is not actually saying f***, the (F)*** in WTF is implied, therefore, it kind of is like swearing. "No, it's not! I didn't say a swear word!" and technically, literally he didn't....he hasn't.....and chances are....he won't. So, WTF do I do?

Picture
I guess instead of going back to my old ways of trying to blink this somewhat uncomfortable (albeit appropriately used and kind of funny) phase away, I need to heed the advice of those older, fun sucking elders of mine and remember that in a "blink of an eye", this stage too will be gone. This moment will pass and one day, I will miss it. I cannot blink slow enough to keep him here, in my home, where he can safely, "WTF?!" all over the place. Rather than blinking, I should prop my eyelids open and watch, mesmerizing in the moment when he is behaving like a "typical" (foul-mouthed) teenager.

With all the blinking I have done over the years, through the good moments and the hard moments, I have never once wanted to blink and open my eyes and find someone who is not Ryan in front of me. Yes, there have been times I wished for more neurotypical behavior and less autism like behavior. And yes, there were times I would blink so slowly in an attempt to shut out the tougher moments altogether. Then, inevitably, I would try and blink away that moment of guilt that engulfed me. Had I only listened, had I only realized how fast a blink was, I would have tried harder to take it all in slowly and never take my eyes off this AWEsome boy.

Picture
Now today, I am the decades older, grumpy doomsdayer, elder who snuggles my beautiful great-nephew and warns my big hearted, proud nephew that, "it goes by so fast" and that "in the blink of an eye" this beautiful baby will be crawling...walking...and WTF'ing all over the house, so "enjoy him while he's young". What I didn't say, but, what I thought and wished that someone would have said to me was, no matter where he goes, no matter what path lies ahead for him, on the good days and the bad, don't abbreviate the moment or the emotions, feel it all because "it does go by so fast". 

As I handed this sweet baby over, I sniffed his head one last time before releasing him, hugged my proud nephew and his equally proud girlfriend and thought, do not blink it away, because one day, you will wake up and he will be grown and you will be the one thinking, "WTF?!".

Picture
In the "blink of an eye", I'm old enough to be a Great Aunt. WTF?
1 Comment
    The Mighty Contributor

       Author

    Picture
    Keeping it real, raw, and AWEnest while laughing, loving and living in our world 
    touched by Autism.
    If you would like to subscribe to this blog ...

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

    Definition of Awe:
    "a mixed emotion of
    reverence, respect, dread and wonder inspired by authority, genius, great
    beauty, sublimity or might." Yep, someone should have consulted a mom 
    before
    spelling AWEtism.

    Archives

    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013

    Categories

    All
    A Blink Of An Eye
    Acceptance
    Advocates
    Aestivation
    Alone
    ASD
    ASD
    ASD And Disney
    ASD Empathy
    Asd Love
    Atypical
    Austin Powers
    Autism
    Autism Acceptance
    Autism Adults
    Autism And Alone
    Autism And Disney
    Autism And Emotions
    Autism And Fevers
    Autism And Field Trips
    Autism And Friends
    Autism And Homework
    Autism And Hope
    Autism And Lonely
    Autism And Media
    Autism And Police Interaction
    Autism Awareness
    Autism Awareness 2016
    Autism Brothers
    Autism Emotions
    Autism Empathy
    Autism Feelings
    Autism Friends
    Autism Idioms
    Autism Journey
    Autism Lessons
    Autism Love
    Autism Meltdown
    Autism Moms
    Autism Routine
    Autism Routines
    Autism Self Advocacy
    Autism Self-Awareness
    Autism Siblings
    Autism Speaks
    Autism Spectrum Disorders
    Autism Swimming
    Autism Tour Guide
    Autistic Enough
    Awe Inspiring
    Awe-inspiring
    Back To School
    Baseball
    Beach
    Beauty
    Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
    Big
    Black And White Thinking
    Brady Bunch
    Bravery
    Breaking Bad
    Bridge Over Troubled Water
    Bugs
    Bullying
    Champion
    Change
    Change Of Heart
    Changes
    Chatty Cathy Doll
    Childhood
    Christmas
    Clothes And Autism
    Clueless
    College
    Communicating
    Communication Skills
    Comparing Disabilities
    Confidence
    Conscious Uncoupling
    Creepers
    Criticsm
    Day Of Pampering
    Death And Dying
    Denial
    Diet
    Differences
    Different
    Different Not Less
    Disability
    Disney World
    Donkey
    Donuts
    Dr. Seuss
    Early Bird Gets The Worm
    Eddie Murphy
    Ed Sheeran
    Educators
    Emily Dickinson
    Emoji
    Estivation
    Facebook
    Facial Cues
    Fear Of Santa
    Fears
    Fifty Shades Of Grey
    First
    Flags Of Autism
    Friends
    Gifts
    Groundhog Day
    Growing Up
    Guest Blogger
    Hades
    Halloween
    Happy
    He Is There
    Helicoptoring
    He Loves Me
    He Loves Me Not
    History Of Autism
    Holidays And Autism
    Homecoming
    Homework
    Honesty
    Hope
    Hovering
    Hygiene
    Hygiene Autism
    I Am Sorry
    I Am You
    Idioms
    Include
    Inclusion
    Inside Out
    Instagram
    Invisible
    IPhone
    It Takes A Village
    John Elder Robison
    Judgement
    Julia Muppet
    Kate Upton
    Kisses
    Language
    Left Out
    Legacy Of Autism
    Letter To Me
    Letter To My Son
    Lifeguard
    Limited Diet
    Listen To Your Heart
    Literal Thinking
    Loch Ness Monster
    Loving A Child With Autism
    Matthew McConaughey
    Minecraft
    Minecraft Autism
    Moms
    Mother's Day
    Mothers Day
    Mothers Disabled Children
    Mothers Love
    Mothers Of Children With Autism
    Music
    Musical Gift
    Music Autism
    Myths About Autism
    Neurotribes
    New Clothes
    New Years
    Not Alone
    Not Less
    Parenting
    Peanut Gallery
    People Magazine
    Peter Brady Voice Change
    Pets
    Piano
    Placebo Effect
    Play
    Pointing
    Police
    Pool
    Proud To Stand Out
    Read Across America
    Relief Pitcher
    Remorse
    Risks
    Rituals
    Roar
    Routines
    Same Old Song And Dance
    School
    Scripting
    Sensory
    Sesame Street
    Sharing Interests
    Sharks
    Showers
    Showing
    Shrek
    Siblings
    Singing
    Small Talk
    Social
    Social Circles
    Social Communication Disorder
    Social Media
    Social Skills
    Speech
    Stereotypes
    Steve Silberman
    Stickers
    Summer
    Summer Camps Autism
    Support
    Surfers Healing
    Talk The Talk
    #TBT
    Teacher
    Teachers
    Team
    Temple Grandin
    Thankful
    Thanksgiving
    The AWEnesty Of Autism
    The A Word
    #thedress
    The Jeffersons
    The Old Me
    The Outsiders
    Throwback Thursday
    To Tell Or Not To Tell
    Touch
    Trick Or Treat
    Trying To Understand
    Unexpected
    Vacations And Autism
    Vacations And Autism
    Video Games
    Walk The Walk
    Walter White
    Weather
    Wheaties
    Wine
    Wishes
    Wizard Of Oz
    Words
    World Autism Awareness Day
    Zombies

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.