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The Well Visit (aka, The Hell Visit)

1/24/2013

20 Comments

 
The 11 year old well visit was one for the record books. I would have sworn that the days of holding my child down for vaccinations would have ended well before the near onset of puberty, but alas, my son has never conformed to typical expectations so why would today be any different?

Is it wrong that as three adults huddle in the corner of the exam room in an attempt to hold down my 92 pound son for two vaccinations that instead of crying, I am laughing? Not at his obvious horrific fear and uncontrollable sobbing, (that would make me a monster, right?) but at his proclamations of a conspiracy between his mother, who loves him more than she ever knew possible, and our beloved pediatrician who has pioneered this journey for us.

His protest of the alleged conspiracy, of course, was screamed at ear damaging decibels for all the other children in the doctors office to hear, tremble in horror and attempt their own escape. Who wouldn't, with blood curdling screams of "I know  you are poisoning me with toxic chemicals", "Someone help, they are trying to kill me", and "I know I'm going to die!"?! Come to think of it, the waiting room was completely empty when we left.

After we picked ourselves off the floor and shook the ringing out of our ears,  we made our escape. My son began speaking in some slow motion robotic voice I had never heard before (he later explained he was talking that way because his body felt slow and heavy, and because he thought he was dying).  Of course, neurotic nut bag that I am, worried that maybe this was one too many doctors appointments and that his beautifully unique and fascinating brain snapped. I thanked the staff with a big smile and promised all of them hearing aids instead of a Christmas card next year. I'm sure we were the talk of the lunchroom.

Needless to say I could not drop him off at school immediately as I was certain his teacher would believe he was having a seizure or some other neurological problem due to his newfound robotic voice. After about 20 minutes at home with his iPod Touch and his Furby, he began speaking Furbish at a much more normal rate of speed. His brain appeared to be intact. He was back to his old self so off to school we went. I was still smiling as I left the school.

Laughing and smiling, my girlfriend has assured me, is what has kept me from a nice white padded room. Its been 6 years since I heard the official PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) or High Functioning Autism Diagnosis for my beautiful boy. I remember the exact words the wonderful psychologist said as she finally confirmed what I had feared since he was 2,  "He is the same little boy he was before you walked into my office", but it felt like everything I had dreamed for him up until that moment was gone.  It took me many years, many, many tears and many, many, many curse words and near breakdowns to believe her. And on the occasional days where there doesn't seem to be a curse word worthy of my frustration, enough tissues for my tears or enough encouraging words for my guilt and self doubt, my belief tends to falter.

In this world of Autism that we have become reluctant inhabitants of, I realize I am blessed beyond compare. Many kiddos on the spectrum have much bigger struggles than my boy. Certainly there are times I could care less about those other families as I get caught up in an ugly battle over homework since he no longer likes the "sound of paper" (thank God for technology).  On most days, however, I embrace my son's differences and realize that he has opened my heart and mind to a beautiful way of seeing the world that I never would have known existed had he not been diagnosed with autism.

That is not to say it has been an easy acceptance. I have had some ugly heartbreaking moments trying to understand that what makes me happy is not necessarily what makes him happy. That when classroom assignments are mailed out every August, and not one kid calls to see what classroom he is assigned to, the heartache is mine, not his. When he proclaims to have no friends and swears "it doesn't make me sad at all"  that he might just mean it.

In an article I read a few years ago, a mother was asked if she could take away her child's autism would she do it.  She said no because it would change who her son was. I love my son for who he is and think he is utterly perfect, but I think that mother is full of sh*#! Autism is a part of my son, some days a bigger part than others, but wishing he had friends, wishing it was easier for him to put his feelings into words, and wishing he didn't feel " like an idiot" does not mean I don't love my son for who he is, it just means I'm honest. Some days I (insert expletive here) hate autism, some days I'm in awe of it. Just like that bullsh#% mother, I want the world to see past my son's quirks, his odd facial expressions and his aloofness to the enormous hearted, funny, compassionate boy that hides from societal norms because he doesn't understand them.

I have entitled this blog, The AWEnesty of Autism, because most days I am in awe of my son and his unique brain. However, I am going to be honest (AWEnest, sounds like honest get it? Kind of witty, right?) about the way autism effects my son and my family. The good, the bad the ugly.

I know, I know, another stay at home mom who thinks what she has to say is so important and worth reading. Oh wait, her kid has autism so that makes what she has to say even more important! Chances are only my friends and family and maybe someone who owes me money will read this blog. On the off chance that another mom with a kiddo on the spectrum reads it and "gets it" then that will be a bonus.  I have learned more in a waiting room of other moms whose kiddos are as quirky as mine than any books, therapists, and psychologists combined.

This will be a keepin it real blog, not a preachy going to beg you to put a blue puzzle piece or an autism awareness ribbon on your car. BTW, I don't have either and that doesn't mean I don't care or I'm unaware of autism, I just think it draws more attention to my "yes, I'm over 40 and no longer have a cool car." I drive a mini van (another one of those stay at home mom prerequisites).

For the most part, my life is like everyone else's. Running kids to and from activities, wondering why we ever stopped wearing leaves for clothing as I constantly forget the wet clothes in the washing machine, and trying to keep our home running in a fairly organized fashion. Oh, and most importantly, never, ever, ever running out of Jello Vanilla Pudding or Vanilla Oreo Cakesters because the world, or at least my son's world would come to an end.

How could I have possibly known the extreme importance that the Jello and Nabisco corporations would play in my life when the doctor placed that squishy faced screaming baby boy in my arms 11 years ago?!  And how could I have known that in those early days when my son mimicked the sound of my footsteps as we descended our stairs and we laughed calling him our Little Rainman, that one day that nickname wouldn't be so funny.

And so our journey began.....
20 Comments
Shani
1/29/2013 04:03:13 am

Let me be the first to say "awesome". The passion you have in the power of your love, honestly, (and expletives) is the best gift you give to your son. He has truly been lucky to have you as his mother.

Reply
Leigh McBride
1/29/2013 04:12:08 am

Kate you have done a wonderful job of writing from the heart. That is not an easy thing to do. Your blog has such a range of emotions just like all Moms do. I support you and Ryan on this journey with prayers and love. I look forward to reading more!

Reply
Oksana Kedia
1/29/2013 05:57:15 am

Loved your honesty! I think its the best way to love, support and understand anyone, moreover your son. I know, your stories and you will be an inspiration to many!

Reply
Jeff Stephenson
1/29/2013 06:39:18 am

Your initial blog allowed me the privilege to enter into your world of which I know nothing. I have no experience in the world of Awetism. Until recently, my family has escaped the trials you face. I have no experience, no definitions and no idea of the emotions...until today.
Your words, your sentences, your paragraphs have opened my eyes as well as my heart.I guess there's a reason you are the 5th daughter, a blend of the love, the strength, the heart and the intelligence of those before you. These attributes as well as the love of your family will help you and your wonderful husband face the challenges you spoke of in the days to come. Yes indeed your son is lucky to have you as his mom and you and Dan are lucky to have him for your son. Thank you for opening my eyes.

Reply
Jennifer Kuffa
1/29/2013 07:04:16 am

I love your "awenesty". And I love Moms that aren't afraid of being raw with the good things and the struggles that we all go through with our kids. We learn from each other and shouldn't shy away with fear of being judged because the fact of the matter is we all go through the same things at some point in our life story :0)

Reply
Heather
1/29/2013 07:13:03 am

Love your honesty......and am humbled by our parallel lives.

Reply
Wendy Lenker-Badorf
1/29/2013 08:02:59 am

I enjoyed reading your post. As a mom who is living your story, it was heartwarming and witty and soooo TRUE! I know because my son (AS) was 11 once and I was in that doctor's office too! He is now 17 and I can assure you that things do change. My son has just in the past 1 1/2 years developed a group of friends and can now go to the dentist, haircut, and doctor alone. He doesn't need held down anymore! It seems that ALL the years of hard work and training are just now showing up in many areas of his life. Thanks for sharing it in a way for others to relate to and for those of us who really do live it!

Reply
Kate
1/29/2013 08:09:48 am

Thanks Wendy, it's nice to know we aren't alone in this crazy world of autism!!! So glad you enjoyed it!

Reply
Sharie
1/29/2013 08:35:06 am

Very proud to know you and your ability to love so deeply and unconditionally. I wish my 11 year old cold learn a thing or two from your son and just be free to express her true feeling and not sweat the small stuff... I look forward to future posts!!

Reply
Lisa
1/29/2013 08:38:22 am

Kate, I have watched your challenges, joy, struggles and overflowing love for the past decade. I continue to be in AWE of you! Your words and voice bring so much understanding to the misunderstood. So much love where there are often times of judgment and unkindness. I cannot imagine your family without it's awesomeness! If every child who was "special", "different" or "quirky" had an advocate like you in their corner what an amazing world we would live in. Much love to you my very dear friend.

Reply
Kristin
1/29/2013 09:19:01 am

Kate..... You are awesome and the perfect person to blog about the trials and tribulations that you face ( which might seem at times unique to you)....... But I am sure will be read with great relief and understanding by so many people. You love all of your kiddos with the ferocity of a mama bear and that you are able to love them with such honesty and humor is one of my most favorite things about you.

Reply
Beth
1/29/2013 09:12:43 am

Jen's post intrigued me to check out your blog. I really enjoyed your humor and honesty as you embrace this very unique world of autism. I have met Ryan and can honestly say he is a wonderful young man. I am sure the future holds many wonderful things for him. Blessings to you and your family.

Reply
Ang Yeager
1/29/2013 09:56:39 am

Holdy, what a fantastic blog! Thank you for sharing and yes, I "get it" too. My son is 14 now but wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until age 10. Fortunately he has made leaps and bounds with his progress and memorization of what is "acceptable behavior" in different social situations. He also has very few meltdowns anymore. Like you, I struggle with the friends issue, or actually the lack of friends. But he is happy just the way things are. I've finally come to realize that they don't ever miss what they never had. For us to live that way after having friends all of our lives would be devastating. But for our boys they didn't have that luxury so they don't know the difference. My son now says he has friends at school, but to us they would be mere acquaintances. He's happy with that, so I have learned to accept it and be happy he at least has that much. Of course in my heart I hope he may one day develop close friendships, but for now I can only be happy that he is happy, period. Every day is a new adventure, sometimes hilarious and sometimes heartbreaking or stressful, but a new adventure all the same. Good luck hang on tight and enjoy the ride. Thanks again for sharing.

Reply
Kate
1/30/2013 11:39:11 am

Thanks Ang, your comment gives me hope, especially the friend part. Ryan recently made a "friend" and he is a wonderful young man who accepts Ryan just the way he is! It has melted my heart seeing them together! Glad to hear your son is doing so well! Thanks for your kind and encouraging words!!

Reply
Pat M
1/29/2013 11:07:10 am

I loved reading your post. Although I think your writing is absolutely fantastic, it is pale in comparison to the depth of your love for Ryan and the raw power of your story. These two qualities dwarf everything else. I have come to believe, often to the chagrin of family and friends, that honest sharing will help more people than I could ever be hurt. I hope you find the same and I hope you keep writing awenestly. Thanks for sharing.

Reply
Jennifer Sarff
1/29/2013 11:42:55 am

Very proud

Reply
Julie
1/29/2013 06:34:02 pm

Great insight! Thanks for sharing your perspective.

Reply
Amanda
1/29/2013 08:46:47 pm

Thank you.

Reply
Danna
2/1/2013 04:01:12 am

I am soooo proud of you!!! You are doing an amazing job sharing Ryan's journey... xoxoxoxo He was given you as his Mommy for a reason... <3

Reply
Kerry link
5/15/2013 10:21:57 am

You are such a great writer, putting my feelings into words, thank you

Reply

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