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Alone is Alone. Period.

5/25/2016

9 Comments

 
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I am so naive. I pride myself in educating others about autism as a parent of a child with autism yet I myself have so much to learn.

I am neurotypical. I am not autistic. I may have an understanding of what it means to accept and love a different view of the world but I am not, nor will I ever be, a real part of that world. I will always be an outsider looking in. Just like my son will never quite fully be a natural born citizen of the neurotypical world.

But that doesn't mean we will ever give up trying to understand each other's unique view of the world we both were born into.

For hours leading up to Ryan heading out the door to attend his 8th grade graduation dance, I was an anxious hot mess. He was going by himself, not with a date, not with a group. He was walking into a gymnasium full of pubescent turmoil alone. He is braver than any 14 year old boy (or girl) I know.

My mind and my heart raced all day. Would he spend all night alone? Would kids talk to him? Would he feel lonely? My husband told me I needed to "let out Ryan's leash" and I knew he was right. After I watched my teenage boy walk into his 8th grade graduation dance alone, high fiving kids and smiling as he was greeted by classmates, I was relieved that my anxiety was all for nothing. He was fine.

Until hours later when he was not fine and I wanted to hang myself with that leash I let out.

Just minutes after Ryan exited the car for the dance, I sent the above picture of my handsome boy to a girlfriend who knew I was a hot mess all day. Along with the photo, I actually texted these words to her, "My alone is not his alone".

I could not have ever texted more ignorant, careless words.

Autism does not make lonely suck any less. Lonely still hurts. Dancing with yourself is still terribly painful. Wanting to fit in and not having the tools to do that is catastrophic for a teenager, autism or no autism.

As much as I love sharing the details of our journey with you, some things I must keep private out of respect for my boy. Suffice it to say, after he returned home from the dance I was proven wrong with my ignorant words, "My alone is not his alone."

Alone is alone. Lonely is lonely. Heartache is heartache. Period.

And when you want a friend, when you need a friend and you find yourself alone on the dance floor, it hurts like hell. Autism is not a buffer for that pain or any pain.

So, to my beautiful boy, I am terribly sorry for my ignorance. I am sorry that I was so wrong. And like I promised you, as I held all 125 pounds of you in my arms, I will do everything in my power to help others see who they are missing. To help them understand your world all while trying to help you understand theirs.

I hope some day there will be enough acceptance and understanding, enough education and kindness that in time our worlds will be one and we can celebrate all the beautiful differences that make this one world so absolutely perfect.

9 Comments
Helen
5/25/2016 07:33:07 pm

I'm sorry for what Ryan experienced. Thank you for sharing your life and being honest. You, Ryan and your family aren't alone, and you help the rest of us realize we're not alone either.

Reply
Sandra
5/26/2016 02:09:45 am

Thank you for sharing this blog. My son is 14 and graduating the 8th grade next week. He has opted out of the graduation dance which I struggled with wanting him to attend but I let him decide.

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Linda
5/26/2016 01:21:34 pm

So sad hunny but autism doesn't have a handbook or I would get one you are obviously a loving caring mum doing all you can be strong.

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Cheryl
5/26/2016 03:06:26 pm

I am so very sorry, and heart sick for you all.... You sound like a great mom, it's so scary to see our children not accepted and broken hearted! I truly hope that we are getting closer to acceptance of everyone, and that bullying doesn't exist .

Reply
Robin Birdfeather
5/31/2016 12:23:59 pm

Would that I had had a mother like you. I'm 81 (a grandmother) and nothing has really changed. One of my bumper stickers reads:
"HUMANKIND: BE BOTH"
I swing between optimism for the world, and hoping against hope that kindness will become second nature for everyone.

Reply
Bridget
6/9/2016 10:19:26 am

Alone post searing my heart because you got it so right.
My son is in 7 th grade and has Aspergers-Autism and has been going through this his whole life.

the reason I know what he's going through only makes it more heartbreaking because I can't tell him that it will ever really get better even as an adult it's still there.

Because he and I share a very similar Brain/Sensory/Anxiety/Social Communication/Depression neurological diverse chemistry.

But some days sand some weeks are a lot better and help me/him hang in there through the brutal days because that I do my damdness to reassure him when he's crumpled in a ball in the corner that I swear the next good-sweet-funny-amazing moment is right up ahead we just have to hold on.

It's so hard to type this but thank you for sharing this - I'm grateful for it. And if you're ever in NJ reach out because then we can be not alone together for a little bit.

Reply
Naomi Hintz
5/1/2017 05:43:21 am

Thank you for this. I have been feeling sad about my son's prom. Proms have come over to England from America and this is his last year at his school. He doesn't want to go. I get sad about him missing out on final memories, but now I think it would just be too painful. His alone is not my alone. His being social is not my being social. His concept of a friend is nothing like my concept of a friend, and all of those things are really helpful to remember. But there are still many situations that cause pain. And it is so hard whether to know to attempt them or avoid them. Your son may not have enjoyed his 8th grade graduation dance, but he really enjoyed being in that recent production. We doubt them when we shouldn't, we are are afraid for them, it's so hard to send them out there unprotected, when the reality is that often they are vulnerable. But I suppose at some point we have to let them go. We too are 10 years post-diagnosis now, though we have known for longer, probably 13 years, but were always told if he WAS on the Spectrum, it was likely to be mild, so why bother getting tests, his supports were in place. But it wasn't (and still isn't!) mild and that diagnosis, though crushing, was essential to get the proper support. I love reading about Ryan and hope he forgives you for your sharing of his story.

Reply
Sarah
10/18/2018 12:20:08 pm

This hit home... My Son is 15, sophomore and really, really tries to be social. Asked a girl to Homecoming, she bailed on him the night before, because she wanted to go with a "group". Sadly, there wasn't a "group" that wanted my son to be included. Well that sucks! I cried myself to sleep with my heart hurting for my son. I used to always say, he just wants to be alone. Until I realized, NOPE he wants to be social but it's just too hard at times. He calls himself awkward all the time. Thanks for sharing. It feels good to not be "alone" in this...

Reply
Dianne Richardson
11/3/2018 02:03:39 pm

Hi, I am a mom of a 40 year old man who went through a lot of this. He has recently become interested in meet-ups and he has made friends and is involved in acting groups and nerd groups. He is at Comic Con in Providence RI right now. He often goes by himself but he is OK with that. He is making friends, not often close friends but better than years past. It is a process that continues with more or less success as time goes on. He is undaunted so I am hopeful that he will be successful eventually.

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