Kid birthday parties. Year, after year, after year we plan them, we clean up after them and then we swear we will NEVER have one again....until the next birthday rolls around. You know when I was a kid (here we go), kids didn't have a birthday party EVERY SINGLE YEAR. You were lucky if you ever had one party, or if you were lottery winning lucky, you might have had two. I don't mean have a couple of friends over for a sleepover, I mean a guest list, decorations, cake and party hats. My two parties occurred on my 13th and 16th birthdays, both surprises, both awesome. You know why they were awesome? Because I did not have a party EVERY SINGLE YEAR.
In this day and age, planning birthday parties is tough, I mean really tough. Since Jimmy had a clown, your kid wants a circus. Since Susie had a pony, your kid wants a petting zoo. And if the twins down the street had a combined pirate and princess party, well, your kid wants you to adopt another child his age so his party can be two times the fun. It goes on and on and on, trying to keep up with the Joneses' kids or at the very least, the Joneses' kids birthday bashes and their over the top party bags (that cost $20 a piece to fill and get tossed in the trash in less than 72 hours when the birthday party attendee isn't looking). It's ri-damn-diculous and that's why, for the most part, our family doesn't give a hoot one way or another what the Joneses do or don't do, but when it comes to birthday parties and children, well, it's a little harder to tell our kids that the Joneses really kind of suck. After all, it's your kids only 5th, 9th, 14th (insert any number in here from 1 to 70 because when your kid is 70, chances are if you are still here you won't remember your kid let alone his birthday) birthday, so a celebration is certainly in order. Well, let me tell you, regardless of your kids dream of an over the top party theme and venue, what's even harder than keeping up with the Joneses, is having a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder wanting to keep up with their siblings, regardless of their last name.
Some kids on the autism spectrum may not want a party at all. They may realize that the loud, out of the ordinary routine is not their party bag, so they may choose a new video game and some cake with family and call it a day. Others may want the whole nine yards. "If brother had a big, blow out party, then why shouldn't I?". Why, indeed? Well, AWEnestly, I could list about three dozen reasons why because I have listed them all in my head numerous times, but rather than saying or thinking the reasons out loud, I went ahead and planned a party, knowing full well the party would blow up and I would be left standing with cake on my face. If a child with an ASD wants a party, careful planning must take place. Maybe you have to pick a sensory safe location with minimum noise and chaos, or maybe you have to bring all your own snacks because they have to be red dye and gluten and casein free or maybe, just maybe you have a guest list with not one single name on it. Ouch. Yep, as a mom, that empty guest list really, really hurts.
Ryan witnessed Kyle having birthday parties EVERY SINGLE YEAR (no circus or petting zoo, yep the Joneses win....if creepy clowns in your family room and animal poo on your lawn is winning), so of course Ryan wanted birthday parties too. So, not wanting to short change Ryan, every August, I get in party planning mode, however, the first step to planning Ryan's birthday parties always breaks my heart. You see, it's hard to have a party when your child can't come up with a guest list. A guest list is typically comprised of friends, and well, without friends, there is a whole lot of birthday cake leftover, especially when those fabulous over-priced, over-sugared store bought cakes can only fit your child's current favorite character on a 1/4 sheet cake. By the way, that feeds 15-18 people, trust me, I know.
When Ryan was 5, we had his first real birthday party. Denial and Clueless helped me plan it. The guest list was easy for the 5th birthday, because at that age, you invite everyone in your child's daycare class. Done. The location was a piece of cake (pun intended) too and of course with Denial and Clueless' party planning expertise, they insisted on Chuckie Cheese. That's where the Joneses had their kids party and so of course I had to have Kyle's first big birthday party there too. Denial and Clueless reminded me that Kyle had a blast and they assured me Ryan would love it too. I wish I could go back in time and slap myself for listening to those overzealous fools.
Ryan's guests most certainly had a blast, screaming, jumping in the ball pit (after I checked for hypodermic needles...of course I did), and playing the loud, bright obnoxious video games. Regardless of the noise level, the flashing lights of the stage and the sensory overloaded atmosphere, Ryan had a great time too....for awhile and on his own. When it was time to celebrate my beautiful boy with pizza, cake and the "Happy Birthday Song" led by a giant sized mouse named Chuckie, all the guests were at the table except the guest of honor. The guest of honor could have cared less about that table full of "friends" happily waiting for him. My boy had reached maximum overload and decided the safest place to be was in the tubes above the party....alone. I distinctly remember begging him to come out of the tube and to join his guests and a giant creepy mouse who were all waiting for him. Eventually, the lure of the cake and soda were too much for Ryan and he climbed down. The funny thing is, Ryan could have saddled up to any table in that loud, obnoxious, hideous place, regardless of the kids who were seated around the table, as long as there was cheese pizza and white cake with white icing and he would have been thrilled. I would have been thrilled had some angry, aggressive Chuckie Cheese moms taken their overstimulated frustrations out on Denial and Clueless rather than each other and stuffed them both in the dirty a** ball pit. Denial and Clueless did get one thing right, Kyle had a blast...again.
As Ryan got older, party planning got harder. For many years, it was just family which suited Ryan fine, it was his mother, still peeking over the Joneses fence wondering what their child who was the same age as Ryan did for their kid's birthday. For the past couple of years, Ryan had just a friend or two (that I would have to suggest because he couldn't come up with names on his own)....simple and easy. Every year, regardless of the size of the party or the location, comping up with the guest list still proves to be most difficult. With each new birthday, I have asked Ryan who he wants to have at his party and each year I am met with complete and total silence. I would ask about kids in his class at school and he would tell me that he "hadn't seen them in awhile" (awhile being about 6 weeks) and he rarely could even remember his classmates' names because, once school was out, their names and their faces didn't matter anymore.
One year, we planned Ryan's party for the week after Friendship Camp (i.e. social skills group) and decided to invite some of the boys from camp. Even in a group of only about 8 boys, I still had to ask the camp counselor who Ryan spent most of his time with because he could not tell me on his own. I'm here to tell you, that party could have been a skit on Saturday Night Live. Between all the no red dye, no gluten, no dairy, no bugs, no loud noises, no sunscreen and no unexpected movements as well as the in depth discussions on dinosaurs, weather events, the periodical table of elements, planets and the intricacies of the various levels in Mario's world, I did not need any creepy clowns, pooping horses or Joneses family ideals, because whether they intended it or not, these amazing kiddos were the best entertainment around. These amazing boys were unique, they were quirky and they were Awesome! Yes, Ryan had a meltdown after being reprimanded for his rudeness when a birthday gift didn't make the cut, and of course he let the kid know it, and yes two hours was PLENTY of time, but, Ryan and his guests seemed to enjoy themselves. As one parent put it, "My son was just happy knowing he was finally invited to a birthday party".
One year, we planned Ryan's party for the week after Friendship Camp (i.e. social skills group) and decided to invite some of the boys from camp. Even in a group of only about 8 boys, I still had to ask the camp counselor who Ryan spent most of his time with because he could not tell me on his own. I'm here to tell you, that party could have been a skit on Saturday Night Live. Between all the no red dye, no gluten, no dairy, no bugs, no loud noises, no sunscreen and no unexpected movements as well as the in depth discussions on dinosaurs, weather events, the periodical table of elements, planets and the intricacies of the various levels in Mario's world, I did not need any creepy clowns, pooping horses or Joneses family ideals, because whether they intended it or not, these amazing kiddos were the best entertainment around. These amazing boys were unique, they were quirky and they were Awesome! Yes, Ryan had a meltdown after being reprimanded for his rudeness when a birthday gift didn't make the cut, and of course he let the kid know it, and yes two hours was PLENTY of time, but, Ryan and his guests seemed to enjoy themselves. As one parent put it, "My son was just happy knowing he was finally invited to a birthday party".
Needless to say, when your kid has a hard time coming up with a guest list for his own party, they don't make it on too many party lists either. It has been four years (yes, as a mom you know how long it has been) since Ryan has been invited to a birthday party, thanks to a sweet little girl and her family that included the entire class. Sure, Ryan gets invited to my friends' kids' birthday parties and I am always so grateful, but, AWEnestly, it's not the same. As heartbreaking as it is for me to constantly run Emma and Kyle to parties while Ryan is left out, I don't know that not making the cut on an invite list matters to him as much as the indignation he feels for not getting to bowl, mini-golf, bounce, swim, etc. Yes, what ticks Ryan off is not WHO doesn't include him, but WHERE he hasn't been invited to go. That is a big difference. On more than once occasion, I have taken Kyle and Emma to the bowling alley, sports complex, public pool, etc for a birthday party and just paid for Ryan to participate too. Of course, this leads the parents of the birthday kid to offer Ryan pizza, cake, drinks, etc and I feel like the freeloader trying to score my kid a free meal. Sigh....birthday parties. Blahhhh!
This year was different. This year was great. This year, Ryan had a friend. Yep, I just said the "f word" and I didn't even stub my toe. This friend invited Ryan to his birthday party and the invitation came in the mail addressed to him, not Kyle, not Emma....Ryan. He beamed from ear to ear while I hid my tears of joy from him. Not only did Ryan happily attend the party, he also had his first, on his own, without siblings, sleepover and aside from letting the party host's parents know he would only eat the pancakes if they were buttermilk pancakes and insisting on taking his drink to the food and drink free basement, it went beautifully! Not only did my boy make the guest list, he loved the location too!
Yesterday, Ryan celebrated his 12th birthday and the location, the design on the cake and what the Joneses' kid did for his birthday didn't matter at all. What mattered yesterday was the guest list. The list that contained one name that Ryan came up with on his own. The FRIEND, that he mini-golfed with, video gamed with, dined with, walked the puppy with, played with and shouted, "follow me" with. The guest who watched me wipe away tears with a cheap, very scratchy sports complex napkin and asked if I was ok as I explained that my tears were "happy tears" while I put more money on his token card. The guest who spent 7 hours with my son, (and Ryan only walked away twice for about five minutes of alone time) and went home and told his family how much fun HE had at Ryan's birthday party. The guest who finally enabled Ryan to celebrate his birthday in a way he never knew he wanted. And the guest who helped a mother stop peeking over the Joneses' fence wondering what their kid was doing and helped her recognize that regardless of the birthday venue, the balloons, the cake, the clowns, the pony rides, and the obscene amount of money spent on the perfect party bags, it is the guest list, the WHO, not the WHAT, not the WHERE that makes a birthday party successful, even if there is only one thank you card to mail.
I'm glad we aren't the Joneses. Chances are they will never learn such a valuable lesson that was taught to me by an 11 year old boy, because the Joneses will be too busy cleaning up pony poop, wiping clown make-up off their best party glasses and planning next year's bigger and better party with Clueless and Denial at the helm to ever truly "get it". So to Ryan and his very special guest, thank you for teaching this old dog new tricks. For opening my eyes and allowing me to see in a way that only children can. Yesterday will be forever emblazoned on my heart and the bonus of not having pony poop on my shoes, well, that's just the icing on the cake.
I'm glad we aren't the Joneses. Chances are they will never learn such a valuable lesson that was taught to me by an 11 year old boy, because the Joneses will be too busy cleaning up pony poop, wiping clown make-up off their best party glasses and planning next year's bigger and better party with Clueless and Denial at the helm to ever truly "get it". So to Ryan and his very special guest, thank you for teaching this old dog new tricks. For opening my eyes and allowing me to see in a way that only children can. Yesterday will be forever emblazoned on my heart and the bonus of not having pony poop on my shoes, well, that's just the icing on the cake.
A perfect birthday celebration that I will always cherish!
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