Hooray for Hollywood

When you worry, obsess and anguish over whether or not your child has an Autism Spectrum Diagnosis, several of the same questions play over and over again in your warped, stuck record brain. Will he be able to live alone? Will he get married and have a family? Who will take care of him when I'm dead and gone (this occurs at least ten times a day in my head)? And inevitably, What will he "be" when he grows up? Although technology has enabled us to do things never once believed possible, sadly, no one in Silicon Valley has invented a time machine to travel to the future, excluding Mary McFly and his DeLorean.

Now that Ryan is almost 12, I KNOW he will be able to live alone...in fact, he is probably counting down the days until he can. The marriage thing is still questionable as it is for most fifth graders (AWEnestly, do you think Marty McFly could have gone Back To The Future to predict Chaz for Cher? Would she have really wanted to know?). As for what Ryan will "be" when he grows up, well I have that one all figured out and I have known it for years. Dan and I won't need that college fund for Ryan and we can feel free to blow our retirement now because Ryan is going to become rich and famous as the next Larvelle Jones. Larvelle who?!

If I asked my readers that grew up in the '80's who was Sgt. Larvelle Jones, most would have no idea. However, if I said remember the dude from the Police Academy Movie who could do all the sound effects and noises, most people would give me an, "Oh yeah, thaaaaaat guy." Sgt. Larvelle Jones became famous for his ability to mimic any sound he heard. You have to admit, after Steve Guttenberg had a baby with Tom Selleck and Ted Danson, he went off the radar, but if you search "Police Academy sound effects guy" on YouTube, you will get a ton of hits. Michael Winslow is Sgt. Larvelle Jones, aka, The Police Academy Sound Effects Guy, and he can reportedly mimic over 10,000 sounds. You have to admit, that is a rare, quirky, made him rich quick talent. Oh, how a mom can dream.

From the first, "eh, eh, eh, eh" noises Ryan made as a baby when my feet hit each and every step as we descended the stairs together, to the precise and pitch perfect imitation of Jim Carrey in How the Grinch Stole Christmas, to the exact tone and sound of every electronic toy he has ever had, Ryan has been preparing for his career in Hollywood. He just doesn't know it yet. Whether it's the beep of the microwave, the sing song tone of the washing machine, the mimic of my girlfriend's Indian accent, the Japanese language he accidentally turned on in his Sonic the Hedgehog Game (don't know what it meant, but sounded like "9,000 BDI towels...ahhhha") or his perfect imitation of Clark Griswold, Austin Powers or the bad piggies on Angry Birds, my son has a tape recorder in his brain that has a direct connection to a microphone in his mouth. It is hysterical, it is AWEsome and sometimes it makes me freaking crazy.

As a mother in the throes of perimenopause (Is it true it can last 10 years before actual menopause hits? Kyle prays every night that my ovaries keep working until he leaves for college) hearing the Angry Birds pigs' "EEEEE HEEEE" at least 30 times a day, can send even the youngest, toughest, highly estrogen filled mother over the edge. When Ryan was little my frustration with his tape recorder brain arose from my fear of his inability to communicate his day to day happenings, but he could beep, screech, squeal, bleet and imitate any sound or television character he saw on TV. That was in my early, still chilling with my bud Denial days when everything Ryan did that seemed "weird" set off my A word frenzied obsession. I no longer fear The A Word and Ryan's quirky noises don't freak me out, sometimes they just annoy me because, well, they are annoying. I admit I do worry about where and when he makes these noises and impersonations. Let's face it, even if you wear all the "right" brands, join all the "right" clubs and have all the "right" music on your playlist, being accepted by your peers in this day and age is difficult enough, but if in the middle of the teacher's lecture on The Gettysburg Address, an Angry Birds' "EEEEE HEEEE" comes out of nowhere, well, that's just social suicide.

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It's funny because many kids on the spectrum have a hard time mimicking social interactions, but many, like Ryan are great at mimicking noises and imitating television  and video game characters. Some experts believe since these kids like repetition it only stands to reason that they would like making the same sound over and over again. Maybe it's because kids on the autism spectrum see and hear the world in a different way due to their heightened sensory awareness and they want to share their picturesque, vibrant world with us boring neurotypicals. Or maybe Ryan and kids like him, just like the feel of the noises they repeat over and over again vibrating in their throats and pulsating in their ears.

I have no idea why Ryan likes to make funny noises or why at Christmas he sounds more like Jim Carrey in the Grinch than he sounds like Ryan, I just know when he does it, he is smiling, so it must make him happy. Whatever the reason, Ryan is freakishly good at mimicking sounds and impersonating what or who he sees on the television or on the video game screen. For a while, it was Kinectimals, a Kinect game for the Xbox 360 where you play with and take care of virtual tiger cubs. I was getting pawed, rubbed on and purred at quite regularly. At first it seemed a little freaky so I would say, "I love this baby tiger, but I sure love my little boy Ryan even more." Ryan would ignore me and keep rubbing, pawing and purring away, so like any good mother who "gets it", I would pat his head, purr back and remind him that kids at school won't think he is a tiger cub, they will think he is a punching bag. Sigh.

If we lived in Hollywood, Ryan would not be considered "weird" or "quirky", he would fit right in. It's a shame that we don't live in LA, closer to the home of Ryan's future lifework, because had we gotten him into show biz early, he could have earned an Academy Award at the tender age of 3. It was a hot summer day and we were knee deep in potty training. I was trying the old no diaper, no underwear, no pants, full on back to nature routine with the supposition that kids going commando would not poop on the floor. At the time, we had a Siberian Husky named Niyka. And just like the tiger cub on Kinectimals, Ryan liked to imitate the dog. Well, on this hot, sweltering potty training day, a young, full of hope college lad came knocking on our door selling books to raise money so he could study abroad in some exotic country. I greeted him looking like a prime candidate for a "Calgon take me away" commercial. As this nice young lad was reciting his sales pitch, Niyka came in to investigate. In typical dog form, Niyka came trotting over, barking, tongue out, panting and greeted this aspiring world traveler with a "hello" tail wag and a stick the nose right in THERE, sniff of the crotch. My adorable, highly talented, impersonating 3 year old, came running after the dog, naked, barking, tongue out, panting and with no tail to wag, poor eye contact and limited social skills, he went right for the crotch sniff. I mean head first right in THERE. The look on that poor college book seller's face as his hands quickly shot down in an effort to preserve his unborn children from Ryan's large head while trying to decipher what kind of house of horrors he had entered. I. Wanted. To. Die.

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Of course, lightening didn't strike me down in that moment as I hoped it would (weather is so unpredictable) and I couldn't even pull out The A card as a reason for my son's shockingly odd behavior since Denial was rolling on the floor behind me laughing hysterically. I mumbled some excuse about potty training and "he likes to pretend he's a dog", and declined the book offer (I probably should have bought $100 worth of books but I feared when the authorities came....and surely they would.....it would look like "hush money") and politely and quickly shoved this equally ready to get the h*** out of my house lad out the door. Then I went and packed some clothes, my make up bag, my toothbrush and my flat iron (yes, even in prison, I want my flat iron). I went and sat on the couch and waited with my bags packed and wondered how long it would take for Child Protective Services to arrive, conduct a home investigation, cart me off to jail and throw my kids in foster care. Of course while I sat waiting and wringing me hands, I had forgotten all about the goal of the day which was potty training, and Ryan pooped on the floor...the carpeted floor, naturally. So much for naked potty training. I promise you with Ryan's outstanding portrayal of The Dog in the autobiographical tale of My Never a Dull Moment Life, the Academy would have unanimously voted him an Oscar.

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Somehow Child Protective Services nor the police showed up that day. Maybe "the incident" wasn't as bad as it seemed or maybe that poor college boy just thought he hallucinated the "far out" moment thanks to the numerous legal and illegal substance he indulged in the night before. Whichever it was, "the incident" still goes down in my top five most embarrassing moments while it remains one of Ryan's top five best impersonations.

Unfortunately, when the Back to the Future movie franchise ended, Marty McFly took his time machine DeLorean with him, so I can't be certain what Ryan will "be" in 15 years, but I can guarantee if Larvelle Jones passes on a Police Academy remake, Ryan stands a good shot. However, if the Police Academy movies remain in the 80's where ultimately they belong, Lorne Michaels may give Ryan a shot on Saturday Night Live, THE pinnacle of impersonators, impressionists, sound effects making, quirky folks. After all, look what Sarah Palin did for Tina Fey. Ryan may not be the future president, but he could imitate one on TV.  In the mean time, I will continue to remind Ryan that the funny noises he makes as he impersonates The Grinch should not be done at the bus stop or on the playground, it should be done at home where he is safe from teasing and recriminations from those less understanding. A place where people who love him appreciate his uncanny ability to mimic to a tee who and what he hears. And although sometimes the noises and the facial expressions seem odd, if it makes Ryan feel good and it potentially could provide him with a secure future and the funds for a top notch nursing home for his mother and father, then so be it.

Whether it's the big screen or the small screen, whether or not Ryan is on the screen or in front of it, one day when Ryan "makes it", the bullies who teased him, laughed at him and did not appreciate his unique talent, will be eating mud....metaphorically speaking, sadly not literally eating mud thanks to bigger bullies smashing their face in the mud. Like I said, a mom can dream, can't she? Hollywood may never enter Ryan's mind, after all, there are earthquakes out there, but whatever the future holds for my incredibly beautiful and unique son, you can bet the world will be brighter, funnier and more entertaining because he is in it. Regardless of the stage, platform or outlet, Ryan chooses, you can bet I will be in the audience applauding, beaming and cheering "EEEEE HEEEEE" as his biggest fan.

He's got the uniform, now all we need is a director and a producer.