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I Want Someone to Think of Him

10/14/2017

8 Comments

 
​I sat at my bestie's kitchen counter and tried to put into words my feelings as I fought hard to hold back the tears. I rambled, I stammered. I said things like, "I know it might not bother him the way it bothers me..." and "I know kids might not see him as a close friend..." and "...after all these years, it still feels like a knife in my heart". She nodded, she empathized, she understood. Then in seven simple words, she stopped my rambling, "You want someone to think of him."

No more rambling, no more stammering. In seven simple words, my bestie summed up the words in my heart that my brain couldn't seem to muster. Yes, it's that simple, I want someone to think of him.

To parents loving a child with autism, I know you will get how profound those words were to me. The words may not seem Maya Angelou like for many of you, but, for moms who “get it”, we would like that quote on a bracelet, in a meme and for this mom, those seven words might possibly be my next tattoo.
 
Like every parent everywhere, we want someone, just one person, to think of our child. For parents loving a child with autism, we have watched repeatedly how those someones may want to try with our child, but, they just don't quite know how to do it, so they quickly give up, walk away and stop trying which leaves our kids isolated and alone. Frequently.  

We have also watched our children try with those someones too and more often than not, our kids walk away too...feeling confused, overwhelmed and ready to run back to that isolation. Until the next time they sum up their courage to try again.

I want someone to think of him and that has been all I have wanted since the first time we heard The A Word.

When I found him at daycare under the slide alone not knowing how to play, I wanted someone to think of him and sit silently next to him digging in the dirt.

When he stood by the doors of his elementary school waiting for recess to end so he no longer had to worry about bugs, thunderstorms, and wind, I wanted someone to think of him and stand by the door next to him while he waited for the bell to ring.

When he sat alone with only his mother, the chaperone, on every single field trip, I wanted someone to think of him and come sit next to us at our empty table.

When he invited friends to his birthday parties I wanted someone to think of him and reciprocate the invitation when their birthday celebration came around.

When he struggles with what to say or do next in a social setting, I want someone to think of him by helping him out with prompts or suggestions on how to respond.

When he doesn't say or do the "right" thing, I want someone to think of him and suggest what he should say or do the next time so he isn't afraid to try.

When he pulls away because he fears rejection or some type of social blunder, I want someone to think of him by always standing by his side and making him feel like he belongs and that he is not less.
 
When he struggles with initiating a conversation among his peers, I want someone to think of him and talk to him about Pokemon or Minecraft, his safety net, so that he will feel like he belongs somewhere and that someone cares about his interests. 
 
When the musical, the play, the chorus recital or the school year ends, I want someone to think of him and ask him to join them for pizza or a movie or better yet, some Pokemon raids.

When he feels less, I want someone to think of him and assure him he is more by accepting him and being his friend.

I want someone to think of him. 

And yes, I'm aware that these statements all begin with "I" want, not "He" wants, and I don’t proclaim to know what Ryan wants at all times, but, I do know that he has felt invisible, that he has felt isolated and alone and that there are times, HE wants someone to think of him.
Picture
Big bro and little sis...two people who do think of him.
8 Comments
Sharon Clark
10/23/2017 05:01:30 am

My son is so amazing but it breaks my heart that he only has friends at school... He doesn't know the feeling of having a friend to go places with or just hang out with. It's hard to be mom and friend, it's just not the same so I totally understand and thank you for associating articulating this so well.

Reply
Jill Davis
10/23/2017 08:14:30 am

I know this pain. My son DID want friends. He tried so hard to figure out how to do this. His mentor teacher in middle school and a psychologist helped, and by high school- he found his tribe. He is 23 and is still close with these friends and now others from college and a loving partner. But he wanted it, and worked, and is inexplicably insightful. He is also optimistic and never gives up trying to learn new skillls he wants to master. His biggest challenge is that it is all so exhausting.

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Kate Hooven link
10/23/2017 08:31:11 am

Thanks for sharing Jill and you hit the nail on the head! My son Ryan wants all of that, but, it is so difficult and so exhausting he doesn't think it's worth it and never having a close friend, he does not what "worth it" even means.

Thanks for sharing and I'm so happy your son found his tribe and is doing well. It gives me hope for my Ryan!!

Have a great day!

Reply
Di
10/25/2017 07:39:41 am

This gives hope to many! Thanks!

Reply
Jane Stetson
10/23/2017 12:46:52 pm

The seven words are exactly what I need to hear. Thank you. My son is now 40 years old. I still feel so frustrated by the inability of his peers and other adults and family that just don't understand He needs someone to think of him too.

Reply
Randi
10/24/2017 11:17:04 am

That's it. You said it so well. I want someone to think of my son. I'm thankful he has siblings but we are also at that stage where his brother doesn't want to always play with him (he has other friends!). :( It's hard and I try so hard to communicate that they are all one another has (and their sister but she's a bit younger than they are). :)

Reply
Justin
10/26/2017 04:34:11 pm

Dads want these things, too. My 4 year old is amazing & probably my best friend. I enjoy sitting silently next to him digging in the dirt and hope every time, someone else would as well. Thanks for letting me know, I (and Benjamin) are not alone with these thoughts!

Reply
Marco link
11/4/2017 12:52:29 pm

Thanks for sharing the thoughts that many of us feel about our children with Autism. Be patient, understand and just be there.

We all have opportunities to make a difference. If everyone will take a few moments to think of these suggestions the next time we see an 'outcast' child, we can make a big difference to them.

Reply



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