The Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) rates content as "Mature" when it is "generally suitable for ages 17 and up". This is because somewhere along the way, it was decided that the majority of 17 year olds can handle "intense violence, blood and gore, nudity, sexual content and/or strong language". Well, this is your first and only rated M warning for today's blog post. Yes, I'm aware my blog is not a video game (if it were, Ryan would be so much more interested in it) or an app (you can however, read my blog on your mobile device via various Bloglovin apps...shameless plug, sorry), but, I felt it was only fair to warn you that today's blog is for Mature Audiences only and here's a hint, there is no "blood and gore", no "intense violence", no "nudity" (you are so very welcome) and no "strong language". So, guess what content in a Mature rating is left? You got it, "sexual themes". You have been warned. If you are not over the age of 17, please get a parent's consent to continue reading.
I'd be willing to bet the whole farm, that when Dr. Richard Ferber introduced his controversial Ferber Method or "Ferberizing", he had no idea his methodology would lead to a Mature Audience rating in an AWEtism blog after 20 years of parents loving or hating him (all babies and toddlers, I assure you, are not part of the Ferber Fan Club). Obviously, Dr. Richard Ferber has never met me. Some parents (those who got 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night after "Ferberizing") worship Dr. Ferber. However, those parents who tried to let their babies "cry it out" (Yeah, I said the taboo words Dr. Ferber, what are you going to do about it?) only to give in because their poor, exhausted, shredded, heart couldn't take one more shuddering, gut wrenching sob, from their innocent, all they want is to be cuddled, baby, want to lock Dr. Ferber in a room, and not answer him when he calls out that he is thirsty, hungry, anxious or has to pee. Is it obvious which side of the Ferber fence I fall on?
"Ferberizing" is a methodical sciency way of letting your baby "cry it out" (although Dr. Ferber doesn't call it that). For those of you who have never tried to Ferberize, or your PTSD brain has caused you to block the entire moment from your brain, the drill is, you put your baby in the crib while the baby is awake and regardless of how loud that baby cries, screams, or sobs (I seem to recall that there are allowances in the plan for babies who cry so hard that they vomit....how gracious), you may check on your baby to try and reassure them that you haven't abandoned them for a better, not so loud baby, but you never, ever, pick that baby up. The main difference between the good old, "cry themselves to sleep" and "Ferberizing" is that with the Ferber Method, you go in and check on the baby, and gradually extend the time between each check in. The idea is, that once the baby realizes that all the crying, screaming, kicking, and wailing is only going to get him a brief pat on the bottom with a reassuring "shhhhh....." from a stressed out, nearly maniacal woman that bears a slight resemblance to Mommy, the baby figures, it's just not worth it anymore and eventually fall asleep on their own with little to no tears. That's how it's suppose to go.
For wussy moms like me, I prefer the other name for The Ferber Method, "graduated extinction". Yes, I realize that "extinction" refers to extinguishing the negative behavior, ie, a baby crying it's face off, but, I find it ironic that extinction is also a word used when something no longer exists, like the cuddly mommy that used to hold, snuggle and feed the baby. Unlike the extinction of dinosaurs that occurred after a comet came barreling through the earth's atmosphere, for a bit of a quicker extinction, I decided a long time ago that I would happily take the quicker, fiery, explosive earthquakes and ruinous tidal wave extinction over the wailing, rip my heart, out "gradual extinction" of a baby's cry...especially my baby. Cudos to every one of you who successfully "ferberized". I pass no judgement on you, in fact, most nights I am consumed with jealousy of your, most certainly used ear plugs, success.
For wussy moms like me, I prefer the other name for The Ferber Method, "graduated extinction". Yes, I realize that "extinction" refers to extinguishing the negative behavior, ie, a baby crying it's face off, but, I find it ironic that extinction is also a word used when something no longer exists, like the cuddly mommy that used to hold, snuggle and feed the baby. Unlike the extinction of dinosaurs that occurred after a comet came barreling through the earth's atmosphere, for a bit of a quicker extinction, I decided a long time ago that I would happily take the quicker, fiery, explosive earthquakes and ruinous tidal wave extinction over the wailing, rip my heart, out "gradual extinction" of a baby's cry...especially my baby. Cudos to every one of you who successfully "ferberized". I pass no judgement on you, in fact, most nights I am consumed with jealousy of your, most certainly used ear plugs, success.
My epic failure at Ferberizing my babies has left a crater the size of a dinosaur extinction comet in our home. At ages, 12 and 7, both Ryan and Emma still have not learned to sooth themselves to sleep at night. Every night, Mommy needs to lay down with each one of them until they fall asleep and then I sneak out of their room praying the bed doesn't creak, I don't step on some sharp, pointy action figure and spew a stream of obscenities, or that they don't sleepily notice the vacant spot next to them in their bed and come pitter pattering (ok, fine, Ryan is 12, he no longer "pitter pats", he stomps) down the hall, into my room completely indignant that I left them alone. "You know I can't fall asleep without you." Stupid Ferber, maybe he was right. Maybe a little "graduated extinction" would not have been as bad as say, the extinction of the pterodactyl.
I'm going to go out on a limb here, and guesstimate that about 70% of the time, when I am snuggled with my love bugs, tucked under the covers, I end up dozing off too. AWEnestly, who wouldn't? A warm snuggy bed, freshly shampooed kid hair next to you on the pillow and children who don't go to bed until 10 PM....yeah, I'm dozing. Needless to say, this musical beds leaves very little time for Dan and I to sit down and watch television, have grown up conversation or have "adult time". This is when anyone under 17 should cover their eyes, turn off their computer, and quickly post that hideous picture of me sleeping with my mouth open to Facebook. We are approaching the M for Mature Rating section.
Clearly, "adult time" is important in every marriage and when you have to sneak out of your kids' beds in order to have "adult time", only to find a child waiting in the hallway "later" with a Mario blanket wrapped around him like a cape when you thought he was sound asleep in his bed, clearly, there is a problem. Yes, I am aware that laying in bed with my 12 year old son is bordering on creepy, and I understand that the time I spend making Ryan feel safe and secure has an impact on "adult time" with my husband (just as an aside...the statistic of married adults averaging "adult time" three times a week has got to be skewed by newly married, young, not so tired, childless married couples. I hate those imaginary statistical couples.). And if you throw in a touch of AWEtism with a fear of Ferberizing, well, let's just say, that I created my bed, and now I have to lie in it....when I'm done in my kids beds....after I wake up and finally get to my bed.....to find my husband snoring.
Yes, I have made my bed, as far as failing to Ferberize, but believe it or not, significant sleep problems can occur in 40-80% of kids with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. If you don't believe me, just ask so many sleepless mothers, but be prepared to have them fall asleep standing up as they try to share their stories of endless, sleepless nights with you. There are various theories as to why kids with an ASD have trouble sleeping. Some studies suggest that kids with ASD have sleep rhythm disturbances which may have to do with abnormal melatonin regulation. Melatonin is a hormone that helps regulate wake/sleep cycles. There are also a slew of medical problems, mostly digestive issues, in kids with ASD that can effect their sleep. As I have shared before, many kids on the autism spectrum are extremely sensitive, so the slightest change in the environment, like a light being on, the sun coming through a window, the blanket falling off them (or not covering them in the exact way it was 10 minutes ago), the feeling of a mother's knee in their back when said mother is trying to sneak out of bed, or the sound of their parents' bedroom door closing and locking, can disturb them. Any sensory experience, no matter how slight, can cause these kiddos to wake up and stay up.
Yes, I have made my bed, as far as failing to Ferberize, but believe it or not, significant sleep problems can occur in 40-80% of kids with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. If you don't believe me, just ask so many sleepless mothers, but be prepared to have them fall asleep standing up as they try to share their stories of endless, sleepless nights with you. There are various theories as to why kids with an ASD have trouble sleeping. Some studies suggest that kids with ASD have sleep rhythm disturbances which may have to do with abnormal melatonin regulation. Melatonin is a hormone that helps regulate wake/sleep cycles. There are also a slew of medical problems, mostly digestive issues, in kids with ASD that can effect their sleep. As I have shared before, many kids on the autism spectrum are extremely sensitive, so the slightest change in the environment, like a light being on, the sun coming through a window, the blanket falling off them (or not covering them in the exact way it was 10 minutes ago), the feeling of a mother's knee in their back when said mother is trying to sneak out of bed, or the sound of their parents' bedroom door closing and locking, can disturb them. Any sensory experience, no matter how slight, can cause these kiddos to wake up and stay up.
With my growing concern about Ryan's age (puberty is right around the corner, or heaven help me, right outside our front door) and his inability to fall asleep on his own, I decided to discuss my concerns with an expert who lectures on such topics as puberty and sexuality in children with ASD while attending an Autism Conference. Big. Fat. Mistake. This "expert" told me to "get out of that bed right now", in a not so nice way, and then suggested I make a recording of my voice telling Ryan that I love him and assure him that he will be fine, as a substitute to me lying next to him. I swear to you, I LOL'd, in that "expert's" face because I thought surely she must be joking. I'm sure my 12 year old, who craves routine, sameness and loves his Mommy like no other, will totally accept me lying on the floor, then the doorway, then the hall, then finally my room while playing a recording of my voice. For a minute, I wondered if Dr. Ferber changed his name, and his gender! After being certain, "she" was not "he", I then decided this "expert" and Dr. Ferber would be a perfect match on match.com. Just as I began to walk away, horrified at laughing in her face, for good measure, this expert yelled, "and get out of your daughter's bed too". As I tried to slink back to my seat, trying desperately to make myself invisible and feeling like a total failure, I prayed this expert did not see where I sat down, terrified she would call on me to share my horrible parenting with the rest of the conference attendees. Why I didn't walk out that conference room door and head right for the bar is beyond me, but I'm glad I didn't. As the expert began telling us a bit about herself, one of the first things she said was that she had no children of her own. And that was it in a nutshell.
This expert has no idea...no concept of what it is like to wrap your world around your children. Sacrificing whatever it takes, including sleep and "adult time", to make your children feel safe, secure, and loved. Yes, I understand that at age 12, it is long past time for Ryan to learn to sleep on his own. Puberty and all the fairly gross things that accompanies it, will make this transition somewhat easy for me, but unfortunately, difficult for Ryan. Ryan is different than typical teenage boys...in his mind....and in his heart, but his body and the changes it will go thorough are not. This is a boy who still holds my hand as we walk into middle school (yes, that's right middle school....surrounded by tons of kids), kisses me goodbye at the bus stop and wraps his arms around my neck and lovingly says, "Mommy, I love you so much" in public. I am what makes all the things that go bump in the night and the things that go thump in the day, a little less scary. In a world full of people, situations and circumstances that cause Ryan to feel rejected, the last thing I ever want is for him to feel rejection from his center of gravity. And this is why, regardless of the snickers or comments from his classmates, I will never tell Ryan not to hug me or hold my hand in public, because in his mind, and more importantly in his heart, that would be the ultimate rejection. I will, however, give the "I'm watching you evil eye" to those snickering, dorky middle schoolers or sick Kyle on them.
My fear of Ryan feeling rejected is what has prolonged this bedtime routine. In order to avoid hurting Ryan's tender heart, I have been waiting for him to say, "Mom, I'm getting too big for you to lay down with me at night, but don't worry, I still love you.", but, since that scenario seems nowhere near the horizon, I may have to take matters into my own hands. This time, though, I will not consult a proclaimed "expert" in the field of autism, I will find my own expert, someone who also made their own bed, but has finally figured out how to sleep in it. Someone who can come close to knowing my heart, and knowing my heartache. An expert who loves unconditionally, who knows how to make the covers "just right", and who knows how to function on 6 hours of constantly interrupted sleep. Someone who, hands down, is an expert, in the truest sense of the word, and whose advice I would never LOL......another mom loving a child with autism. We autism moms are a unique group, united in a club where we were initiated by fire, never once given the choice of membership. A club that holds us together like glue, and that no outsiders can join. As I seek advice from my fellow club members over the coming weeks, I will continue to try my best to stay awake while snuggling with my babies and hope that when I finally do get to lie in my bed, that I made without Ferberizing, that my husband is the only one who awakens when I, oh so quietly, close and lock the door and that a boy in a Mario cape stays asleep in his own bed until sunrise.
My fear of Ryan feeling rejected is what has prolonged this bedtime routine. In order to avoid hurting Ryan's tender heart, I have been waiting for him to say, "Mom, I'm getting too big for you to lay down with me at night, but don't worry, I still love you.", but, since that scenario seems nowhere near the horizon, I may have to take matters into my own hands. This time, though, I will not consult a proclaimed "expert" in the field of autism, I will find my own expert, someone who also made their own bed, but has finally figured out how to sleep in it. Someone who can come close to knowing my heart, and knowing my heartache. An expert who loves unconditionally, who knows how to make the covers "just right", and who knows how to function on 6 hours of constantly interrupted sleep. Someone who, hands down, is an expert, in the truest sense of the word, and whose advice I would never LOL......another mom loving a child with autism. We autism moms are a unique group, united in a club where we were initiated by fire, never once given the choice of membership. A club that holds us together like glue, and that no outsiders can join. As I seek advice from my fellow club members over the coming weeks, I will continue to try my best to stay awake while snuggling with my babies and hope that when I finally do get to lie in my bed, that I made without Ferberizing, that my husband is the only one who awakens when I, oh so quietly, close and lock the door and that a boy in a Mario cape stays asleep in his own bed until sunrise.
"Ferberizing"....whatever. I would much rather crawl in this bed and snuggle that sweet face regardless of my years of interrupted sleep.
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