We've all heard the phrase, "stubborn as a mule", in fact, we wives have probably mumbled it under our breath or screamed it out loud when our mule like husbands refuse to ask for directions and this stubbornness inevitably leads to endless wrong turns, new names for the British woman squawking through the GPS and new, colorful language for our children to use on the playground. Yes, chances are we have all encountered the backside of a mule. Whether it's been your soul mate in the driver's seat next to you or the jackass who cuts you off on the highway only to immediately take the next exit, these encounters with "mules" very rarely causes us to think or say aloud, "Wow, I bet they are smart!"
Believe it or not, mules have gotten a bad rap for all these years, because you see, mules aren't really stubborn, they are really smart. Mules may appear stubborn or lazy, but AWEnestly, these creatures' "stubbornness" stems from their intelligence and unwillingness to put themselves in danger. A mule is NOT going to walk across the Grand Canyon on a 2 inch cable like that not so smart, Nik Wallenda while praying for Jesus to keep the winds down to a low blow (a mule, and most humans, are defintely smarter than Nik Wallenda). The mule has been unfairly portrayed in movies, books, cartoons, etc as being too stubborn to move while their caretaker pulls, pushes and bribes the long eared creature to budge just a little. The fact of the matter is, whether it's a 2 inch cable across the Grand Canyon or a perfectly sturdy, sound bridge across a babbling brook, a mule will not budge if he does not feel safe. In fact, many people who have experience working with these animals will tell you, "Trust your mule". Their innate sense of survival makes these "stubborn" mules worth listening to. Little did I know, that for years my very own mule had been trying to get me to "trust" him and aid him in crossing many bridges with a safety harness, a net, bug repellant, a reliable weather tracking system and oregano free pasta.
To say that Ryan is as "stubborn as a mule" would be the grossest understatement of the year. Ryan is as stubborn as a pack of mules and more stubborn than a pack of navigationally challenged husbands driving aimlessly on the back streets of Smalltown, USA looking for a "shortcut". Back in my early days, when I was traveling those back streets with Clueless and Denial, I thought I could "break" my stubborn little mule. Clearly, I am NOT as smart as a mule (but, still smarter than Nik Wallenda).
In the days before I had a better understanding of my AWEsome son, when Denial and Clueless were sitting at the dinner table with me (and other equally clueless family members), they would shout, "He will eat when he is hungry!" as Ryan sat staring at his plate, tears streaming down his face refusing to put one bite of spaghetti in his mouth because he was convinced the oregano was "disgusting meat". Or the countless times Denial convinced me that Ryan would "get use to his new_______" (insert any word here....shoes, coat, car seat, pillow, etc) while he screamed his head off and I tried desperately to knock my head off by banging it repeatedly against the wall. I so wanted to believe Denial, that this "stubbornness" was the Terrible 2's and that Ryan was just struggling with his new found independence, but when the Terrible 2's became the Traumatizing 3's, the Freaking Out 4's and the Furious 5's, I knew that Denial, once again, lead me out onto a 2 inch cable over the Grand Canyon without a safety harness.
After learning that autism had much to do with Ryan's "stubbornness", I repeatedly asked the experts, "How do I know where the stubbornness ends and autism begins?". After many years of not getting a satisfactory answer, and countless goose eggs on my head from bouncing it off of terribly hard drywall, I realized that there is no beginning or end. Autism and "stubbornness" are as intertwined as the DNA of a horse mare and a donkey stallion (this DNA cross breeding equals a mule...trivia tip for the day. You're welcome). Ryan's so called "stubbornness" is as misunderstood for him and kids on the autism spectrum as it is for the mule. Ryan's intelligence and heightened fight or flight system, gives him a deep rooted, innate sense of self-preservation. Whether it's a rickety old bridge or oregano disguised as meat, protecting himself from harm isn't stubbornness, it's just plain smart.
Rigidity of thinking is the term used for kids with an ASD, not "stubbornness". Whether it's as extreme as Rainman's refusal to fly on an airplane or "four minutes til Wapner" or as mild (I use the term mild VERY loosely) as Ryan's refusal to eat a cheese sandwich for lunch in the summer time because it's not served cold from his lunchbox while sitting in a school cafeteria, this rigidity of thinking can make the best moms and dads lose their minds. However, what it does to my sweet little mule and kids like him, can be paralyzing, stopping these kids in their tracks, just like the so called, stubborn mule. This rigidity to kids on the spectrum is as self-preserving as the mules innate sense to stop working before being worked to death. Ryan is certainly rigid, but with some valuable lessons from Straight Nate and Curvy Herbie, my little boy has learned to bend...sometimes....thanks to a couple of stick figures and to his AWEsome speech therapist.
Rigidity of thinking is the term used for kids with an ASD, not "stubbornness". Whether it's as extreme as Rainman's refusal to fly on an airplane or "four minutes til Wapner" or as mild (I use the term mild VERY loosely) as Ryan's refusal to eat a cheese sandwich for lunch in the summer time because it's not served cold from his lunchbox while sitting in a school cafeteria, this rigidity of thinking can make the best moms and dads lose their minds. However, what it does to my sweet little mule and kids like him, can be paralyzing, stopping these kids in their tracks, just like the so called, stubborn mule. This rigidity to kids on the spectrum is as self-preserving as the mules innate sense to stop working before being worked to death. Ryan is certainly rigid, but with some valuable lessons from Straight Nate and Curvy Herbie, my little boy has learned to bend...sometimes....thanks to a couple of stick figures and to his AWEsome speech therapist.
Ryan's speech therapist, Mrs. P, introduced Straight Nate and Curvy Herbie to Ryan a few years ago during one of their weekly speech therapy sessions. "Curvy Herbie and Straight Nate: A Lesson in Curved Line Thinking", was written by Pam Mari and illustrated by Dawn Rebuck. The book was written to help kids on the autism spectrum who tend to be "straight line thinkers" (non-flexible) become more "curve line thinkers" (flexible). Curvy Herbie is more adventurous and he tries to show Straight Nate that trying new things and accepting change can be fun. This seemed to help Ryan when he was younger, but just last week when Dan tried to get Ryan to "just taste" some grape jelly, he refused. Dan said, "I thought you were a curve line thinker" to which Ryan responded, "Those lines are for babies, they are stupid and they don't mean anything." Apparently, Straight Nate was back on the saddle of his "stubborn" mule and kicked Curvy Herbie's curly haired head with his hooves. As much as Ryan may believe these two stick figures are "babyish", I know that the visuals they provide in his picture taking brain, help him when he is stuck and do indeed make him a little less rigid.
Here is an example, just the other night I warned Ryan we may have to postpone our weekly Wednesday grocery shopping trip until Thursday because I was helping my girlfriend move her father into a retirement community. Well, you would have thought I just told Ryan that someone blew up the Jello Pudding plant (pudding is the precise reason the grocery store was so vital, we were out. Even in the back up pudding fridge). Besides his beloved pudding, Ryan also lives for Donut Thursdays. The kids are allowed to pick out a donut on Wednesday to have Thursday morning for breakfast (AWEful, I know, but don't judge). Needless to say, Donut Friday is NOT Donut Thursday. After Ryan wailed, "I don't care about any stupid move, you are causing me to suffer greatly!", Curvy Herbie sidled up beside him when I said, "I bet the 4th of July donuts are so much better than the 3rd of July donuts". Maybe years of trying to get Curvy Herbie to take out Straight Nate have made me smart as a mule. Ryan still complains, shouts and feels all the injustice of the often scary, loud and chaotic world, but he has become a bit more flexible in his thinking and I didn't even have to "break" him.
Ryan's rigidity of thought also makes apologizing and being wrong VERY difficult. Let's face it, most of us don't like to be wrong and some of us have a much harder time saying the epitome of wrongness words, "I'm sorry", but for Ryan, it shakes the core of his existence. His need for sameness and being right is what makes an otherwise chaotic world, predictable and safe. Ryan lost his underwater pool oasis privileges the other day for dunking his sister in the deep end. All Ryan had to do was apologize. He refused and spent the rest of the day pacing around the pool berating himself for being "an idiot", but no way was he uttering, "I'm sorry". Ryan has been known to sit for hours staring at his homework not writing a single word for fear of not knowing with absolute certainty that his answer is correct. Not getting it "right" could make the sky come falling down on his head, or at the very least, make him "feel stupid". Just like the mule taking his good old, stubborn time deciding if the bridge will lead him safely to the other side or possibly send him plunging over the edge, for Ryan, being right, eating the same food, wearing the same clothes and grocery shopping on the same day has proven time and time again to be predictable and "safe", so why risk the change? Why swap a sturdy bridge for a 2 inch cable across the Grand Canyon or heaven forbid, plain old pasta for a little oregano sprinkled spaghetti sauce?
Ryan is more flexible when he is prepared for change or warned of perceived
impending danger. It may be alerting him days in advance or showing him a
visual schedule or a plan for something new. Maybe, after all these
years of misunderstanding the intelligent mule, had someone shown the mules a
social story of making it safely across the bridge, we wouldn't say, "stubborn
as a mule", we would say, "smart as a mule" and we would have to find a new
animal to compare our stubborn, refuse to ask for directions, husbands.
impending danger. It may be alerting him days in advance or showing him a
visual schedule or a plan for something new. Maybe, after all these
years of misunderstanding the intelligent mule, had someone shown the mules a
social story of making it safely across the bridge, we wouldn't say, "stubborn
as a mule", we would say, "smart as a mule" and we would have to find a new
animal to compare our stubborn, refuse to ask for directions, husbands.
As I sit watching my incredibly smart, beautiful son slugging in front of the television during these long days of summer, I feel certain that like the mule, Ryan's innate sense of self-preservation will keep him from ever working himself to death. And although there were many times I wanted to strap a bit and harness on my boy to pull him in the direction he needed to go, I never did. Instead, I screamed, I swore, I cried and at times I wondered if God made the right choice in giving such an intelligent, beautiful creature to this average, old stable hand mother. Most days, however, regardless of how many times I have had to push or pull, I try to "see" through Ryan's eyes, "hear" through Ryan's ears, "feel" through Ryan's skin and "think" through Ryan's brain in order to help my "stubborn" son cross all the scary bridges of life. Whether it is something truly threatening such as a tornado watch or something perceived as threatening like oregano lurking in his pasta (which by the way he has totally boycotted....it's just not worth the risk), as Ryan's mother, I have hung up the harness and instead of throwing a saddle on his back to "break" him, I continue to throw my arms around him and try to understand him. Sadly though, the rest of the world has not. So, on the days when ignorance wins and the world is trying to "break" my boy by pulling too much and pushing too hard, my arms will be his safety harness and my heart will be his net, and together we will cross all the swinging, unsteady, rickety bridges together one hoof, I mean, one step at a time.
Ok, fine, Eeyore is a donkey not a mule, but looking at this pic, who would ever want to "break" that beautiful boy.
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