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The "i" in Team

6/5/2014

6 Comments

 
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Tick tock, tick tock....there are only a mere 24 hours until the school year ends, 24 hours until this mom can breath a sigh of relief that Ryan not only survived his first year of middle school, but, that he kicked butt and took names. Actually, he really didn't "take names" because names are not his strong suit, and where in the world would he "take" a name anyway? And even though I think Ryan "kicked butt" he would tell you he most certainly did not kick butt because that would be rude, violent, against the rules and a lie. So, I guess I will just say that with only hours left of 6th grade, Ryan's school year was AWEsome! Hooray!

There will be plenty of "I told you so's", from the likes of my husband, Ryan's therapists, my friends, his brother, and his former teachers. People ready to gloat that all my fingernail chewing, all my sleepless nights, all my How to Survive Middle School with an ASD Survival Guides that I created, were all for not. Gloat away folks, because no one could be happier about being wrong than me. I just wish all these gloaters would share their crystal balls with me and spare me all the anxiety that will surely roll around in August once again. 

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When Ryan reluctantly walked out the doors of elementary school last year at this time, anxious for what was yet to come and heartbroken for what was left behind, my biggest worry wasn't school yard bullies, getting him up at 6:15AM or the shape of the school pizza (although those were all very genuine and legit concerns), what kept me up at night on the "what if" roller coaster that is my brain, was the concern of what if Ryan, my one man, man, can't survive being placed on a middle school team. I don't meant the basketball team, the volleyball team or the debate team, I mean an academic team that consisted of five teachers for core subjects and ten other teachers for various specials. Ryan was use to one or two teachers that he had to get to know and who had to get to know him. I was AWEnestly convinced that rather than be placed on the 6R Academic Team, Ryan would have chosen to take his chances of a spike to the face on the middle school volleyball team. The pain of a volleyball spike would diminish much quicker than enduring a different teacher for nine periods each day. 

I know it's probably been a while since you have done middle school math (unless of course you have a middle schooler and unlike me, you can actually help your kids with math past the second grade), so I am going toss out two equations for you. Here goes:

9 class periods+9 teachers+9 varying teaching styles+9 sets of rules=1 anxious boy

1 anxious boy=1 worried, fretting, nutsy mom

I always hated math.

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Ryan isn't much of a "team" kind of guy. Being part of a team, means getting to know your teammates, understanding everyone's role on the team, and being able to interpret facial expressions, body language, and social cues that often go hand in hand with being part of a team. Autism makes all those things hard for Ryan, not impossible, but, difficult enough that he would rather stick with his one man show. Ryan is a solo sport kind of guy, he prefers having to only look out for himself and being responsible for "I" not "we". The saying goes, "There is no i in team", but, Ryan most assuredly would beg to differ (actually he probably wouldn't since there literally is no letter "i" in the word team, but, work with me here folks, it's been a long school year).

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Throughout the school year, I never once heard Ryan say "we" or "team", but, he frequently and proudly used the word "I". "I made the honor roll!"...."I got a 100% on my test!"...."I handled it on my own."...."I passed."...."I understand the material perfectly". "I, I, I", not "we, we, we" and Ryan's right, he did do all those things, but, just like a pitcher may run off the mound screaming, "I threw a no hitter!", without his team's flawless defense, without his team's support, a no hitter would have been impossible. A quarterback who is patting himself on the back for having such a successful season may say, "I hold the NFL record for most completed passes." which may be true, however, without his defensive line protecting him and he receivers catching the ball, that quarterback would not have thrown a single completion.  

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For Ryan, whose fight or flight is so heightened, taking care of "I" makes recognizing the importance of "we" challenging. Autism makes the notion of even an academic team, seem full of unforeseen, unexpected, danger and peril. An academic team, may seem almost as dangerous as a rope team climbing Mt. Everest. The English teacher may use a stopper knot to keep her team together and safe, while the Science teacher may prefer to use prusiks on the rope, a completely different way of reaching their goal safely. These different strategies all work, but, for a child who prefers "same" getting to know all those differences and understanding them, is like free climbing Mt. Everest without a Sherpa.

A mountain climber who screams from the top of the Earth, "I climbed Mt. Everest", would have never made it to the summit without being tethered to a team, a team whose soul job is to keep each member safe, while they reach the summit. Being part of a climbing team, the team members understand the whole "you go, I go" motto, even though none of them want "to go". They understand that being tied to that team helps each climber, regardless of the differences in ability and stamina, reach their goal. Often the distance of the rope is shortened for the climber who occasionally stumbles and struggles to ascend, the climber who may struggle to see the crevasse buried beneath the snow. The members of a good rope team, know when and how to make the adjustments and keep a struggling climber close, ready to self-arrest and do whatever it takes to make each member of the team reach the summit safely...even the climber who struggles. No mountain climber can ever say "I" without the "we" of his rope team that guided him through hazardous and unpredictable terrain. 
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The academic team that Ryan was fortunate enough to tether himself to for his first year of middle school, kept him close and kept him safe as he found his way over the hills and peaks of the strange terrain of metaphors and figurative language, as he eased himself over algebraic methods, and happily explored the elements of the Earth's crust, all while making new discoveries on the people, climate, and culture of French Guiana. This amazing team, knew when Ryan felt safe enough, when he became more confident in his abilities and they extended the distance between themselves and him on the rope. A distance great enough to make him forget the "we" in team and happily declare, "'I' made it to the top!".

With only hours left until 6th grade comes to an end, I promise you Ryan will descend the bus steps on that last day, with tears in his eyes since ending something familiar and beginning something new is both difficult and heartbreaking for my sensitive son. With all his successes, all his accomplishments, Ryan could scream from the rooftops,"I did it, I made the Honor Roll all four marking periods and I am a seventh grader!", but, he won't because bragging isn't his thing and because climbing on the roof, untethered is as dangerous as free climbing Mt. Everest. This declaration may not be shouted from the rooftops, and chances are high that he won't even utter a single word about it, but, as his forever grateful, lifetime Sherpa, no one knows Ryan better than me, and I promise you 6R Team, he feels it, he knows it, and he believes it, all because he was tied tightly to an amazing team. 

Thank you 6R Team, for pulling my son, for pushing him, for securing him, for reaching him, for teaching him, and for believing, "different, not less".  Mostly, this worried, tired, about to open a bottle of wine mom, thanks this team of AWEsome teachers for not allowing my son to fall through a crack or a crevasse by providing him with just the right amount of rope that gave him the strength and the confidence, to reach the top and to proudly find the "i" in team.
"I cannot emphasize enough the importance of a good teacher."
    -Temple Grandin

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Where Ryan spent hours putting the "i" in team.
6 Comments
Nan McGraw
6/5/2014 10:44:35 am

Congratulations Ryan & to you too Kathy! I loved your article & love hearing about education from a parents point of view! Thanks again for shedding much needed light on the world of autism! I recognize some of the characteristics you describe in a couple of my students, but the main thing you always inspire in me is to look beyond some behaviors we see as different

Reply
Malathi kahandaliyanage
6/9/2014 12:40:18 pm

This is just awesome .... Yes if not for the We in the back ground laying the props on the stage our kids won't be able to say I did it ! Me being a special educator always try to be there when the kids need to see the props at a different angle ... I try to just move it a little bit ..so that it's the kid can be there to say I Did !! That's y I am a special educator ... Thank you for appreciating the team !! Wishing Rayan the very best to go for all the Dreams he has and to be proud of all that he will say ! When he utters I DID !

Reply
Chermaine Meissner
6/12/2014 08:51:19 am

Kathy, what a great article!! There were many parts which seem to be right out of our life story, especially the mom panic and my mind which never shuts down ;). My son went through similar changes this year, moving from 4th to 5th grade--multiple teachers, multiple rooms, new kids in each class. He, like Ryan, did much better than this panicked mom anticipated--and I'd be more than happy to hear "I told you so". While next year is the same school, it will be new teachers, more difficult school work, etc. I whole heartedly agree that a teacher can make all the difference in a child's life. Praise and admiration to all who go above and beyond to help our children succeed. For the majority of the summer, I am going to be thankful for his past successful year and celebrate his personal growth...until the panic comes around for next year

Reply
Kate
6/12/2014 09:49:56 am

Amen Charmaine, Amen. Even with the success of this year, I will be nutsy come August. I told one of Ryan's teachers that every year I worry that this will be THE year, the year it gets too hard, the year more support is needed, the year mom finally has a break down and that AWEsome teacher looked at me and said, "Maybe THE year will never come." Wow! She is so right and I wholeheartedly believe her....until August rolls around again!

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Christy Head
7/23/2014 10:10:30 pm

Kathy. I am in the middle of the anxiety over the school thing. We have had a rough year with our son. I was curious how much you and your husband have struggled with oppositionally defiant behavior from Ryan. I am a teacher and do have some pull with moving schools, however, we are surrounded by under scoring, disfunctional schools. Has Ryan had OD problems at school?

Reply
Kate link
7/23/2014 11:57:34 pm

Hey Christy, thanks for reaching out. I'm sorry your son had such a rough year. I know the toll that takes on you as a mom.

Ryan is such a rule follower that he would never dream of being defiant at school. He is a teacher's dream student with the occasional shut down mode he goes into when he gets confused or "stuck". The teachers are aware of this coping mechanism and each learn how to handle it differently. We have been fortunate to have an amazing school district and amazing teachers. Some would see Ryan's shut down as being defiant, but, they see it as a red flag that Ryan needs more time to process the directions or that he needs additional prompting.

The only suggestion I have is to meet with his teachers well ahead of time so they know what to expect and offer insight on what strategies have worked with your son in the past. I know that's not terribly helpful. I hope this school year works out better for all of you. Having the "right" teacher really can make or break a year for a kiddo.

Hang in there.

Kate

Reply



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    Definition of Awe:
    "a mixed emotion of
    reverence, respect, dread and wonder inspired by authority, genius, great
    beauty, sublimity or might." Yep, someone should have consulted a mom 
    before
    spelling AWEtism.

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