Benjamin Franklin once said, "Honesty is the best policy", so in Ben's mind, telling the truth was always the best option. Clearly, old Benny boy never met anyone with an Autism Spectrum Diagnosis or he might have changed his quote to, "Honesty is the best policy unless of course honesty hurts someone's feelings, embarrasses the truth teller's mother or clearly violates social etiquette." Yes, we owe a lot to Ben Franklin, the lightening rod, bifocals and the Franklin Stove, to name a few, but Ben should have left the AWEnesty policy to mothers of children with an Autism Spectrum Diagnosis.
Many children with an Autism Spectrum Diagnosis "tell it like it is" and many people don't want to hear "it", because "it" can sting. These kids can be painfully AWEnest, but the irony is, they never intend to hurt anyone with their AWEnesty. It's like when God hands out the autism gene, he removes the "filter" gene and sometimes it's funny, but other times it's "pretend he's not your kid" embarrassing. Ryan is no exception and I would be disAWEnest if I denied ever giving him a little "pretend I don't know him" glance as I quickly walk in the opposite direction when he says it like it is....in public....loudly. My girlfriend's husband has aptly named Ryan, "The Last AWEnest Man". Sadly, with 1 in 54 boys being diagnosed with an ASD, there are a lot of AWEnest Men out there so we neurotypicals need to get tougher skin for these kids' blunt, no holds barred observations.
As Ryan's "go to", he loves me like no other, which is proof his AWEnesty is not meant to hurt, it's just that his brain which "sees" almost everything in black and white, struggles to find the gray in social graces or etiquette. Ryan calls a spade a spade or his beloved mother "ugly" if indeed he "sees" ugly. As an aging 40 something, my vision, along with so many other parts of me, isn't what it use to be, so glasses became a part of my accessory ensemble two years ago. I laboriously tried on tons of frames praying for a pair that made me look hip or retro, not old and haggard. I found a pair that fit the bill, or so I thought, and being a glutton for punishment, I asked The Last AWEnest Man what he thought of my new glasses. After he quickly corrected me that they were "eyeglasses", Ryan said, "Well, I think you look a little ugly, but don't worry, I still love you." OUCH! How about another adjective Last AWEnest Man? Like different, weird, matronly...hell, I would have even taken old over ugly. It's a miracle he could still love me since I was so hideous looking in my new EYEGLASSES. AWEnesty is the best policy, my a** Ben.
I clearly remember the first time I realized Ryan was born without a filter. He was easily 7 or 8 years old...old enough to know better by neurotypical standards. Ryan was at swimming lessons and we were walking directly behind his instructor, Miss So and So, when he proclaimed loud enough for kids underwater to hear, "Miss So and So is really fat". I quickly grabbed another child's hand and pretended to be his mother while Ryan entered the pool as if no harm had been done, because in his mind there hadn't been. Miss So and So was indeed "overweight". A spade is a spade. Later, during the swim lesson, I heard Ryan screaming and proclaiming that Miss So and So was trying to drown him. Can you AWEnestly blame her? And what was I suppose to do, since I pretended not to know him? Actually, I did look (even embarrassment can't keep Mama Bear away) and Ryan was fine. Miss So and So just flipped him on his back and maybe let his head slip under....for a second. Even after his, oh so, AWEnest observation, Miss So and So still passed him on to the next level, Ryan was just never put in her group again.
Ryan's AWEnesty makes Christmas and birthdays a time for Xanax....for me, not for him. Needless to say, no matter how many times I remind, explain and threaten him that regardless of what lies within the wrapping paper, he should always smile and say thank you. Unfortunately, Ryan's desire for a "good gift" over rides any threats of loss of limb or loss of video games. One of my best friends gave Ryan a gift that clearly did not fit into the "good gift" category. This was evident after he opened it and mumbled, "I hate this", tossed the gift aside and walked away. Trying to cover up The Last AWEnest Man's poor social graces I said, "He meant the card" to which my bionic hearing child responded from the other room, "No, I meant the stupid gift!" My girlfriend was laughing hysterically and unlike the swim instructor, my girlfriend knew The Last AWEnest man was my kid so there was no pretending he belonged to some other mother. I apologized and went to lecture Ryan, yet again, while my girlfriend remained doubled over belly laughing.
At one of Ryan's birthday parties, a super excited guest couldn't wait for Ryan to open his gift, a $15 GameStop Gift Card. The guest was so pleased and shouted, "I know you love video games Ryan!" to which Ryan grumbled, "Well, $15 isn't enough." That guest, who just seconds before was so proud of his gift for Ryan, quickly lowered his head and whispered, "I told my Mom to do more." Well, I no longer pretended not to know my AWEnest, rude child as I snatched Ryan up like only a mother can and nearly did remove a limb as I dragged him by his arm into another room. I told Ryan how deplorable his comment was and that he needed to go apologize or the party was over. Ryan began to sob because he truly did not understand what he did wrong. A video game costs at least $25 so clearly a $15 gift card was NOT enough. A spade is a spade. While Ryan pulled himself together, I gave the dejected guest a second piece of cake and three party bags.
Ryan's AWEnesty isn't always embarrassing, in fact sometimes he says what all of us born with filters want to say and it's down right enviable. Waiting too long in the doctor's office is a perfect example. When the doctors' staff overschedule the physicians the end result is waiting in the waiting room then being taken to the exam room to wait some more. We all think, inside our head or in a text message to a friend, "Why the blankety blank, blank do they threaten to charge us and reschedule our appointment if we are 15 minutes late, but it's ok for us to wait for an hour?". These moments are when The Last AWEnest Man comes in handy. Anytime Ryan has had to wait longer than he deemed acceptable, he spews recriminations as soon as the exam door opens and Ryan sees the whites of the doctor's eyes. "That took too long!"....."Where have you been?"...."I've been waiting forever!"...and my all time favorite...."I have better things to do than sit here all day!". The poor doctors don't even see it coming. Yes, those AWEnest , filter-less moments make up for the "ugly", "old", and "dumb" comments I get on a fairly regular basis.
Ryan's AWEnesty isn't always embarrassing, in fact sometimes he says what all of us born with filters want to say and it's down right enviable. Waiting too long in the doctor's office is a perfect example. When the doctors' staff overschedule the physicians the end result is waiting in the waiting room then being taken to the exam room to wait some more. We all think, inside our head or in a text message to a friend, "Why the blankety blank, blank do they threaten to charge us and reschedule our appointment if we are 15 minutes late, but it's ok for us to wait for an hour?". These moments are when The Last AWEnest Man comes in handy. Anytime Ryan has had to wait longer than he deemed acceptable, he spews recriminations as soon as the exam door opens and Ryan sees the whites of the doctor's eyes. "That took too long!"....."Where have you been?"...."I've been waiting forever!"...and my all time favorite...."I have better things to do than sit here all day!". The poor doctors don't even see it coming. Yes, those AWEnest , filter-less moments make up for the "ugly", "old", and "dumb" comments I get on a fairly regular basis.
Sometimes Ryan's AWEnesty becomes a teachable moment, not for him, but for his mother. Just last weekend I borrowed a friend's Costco card to purchase a pair of sunglasses for Dan for Father's Day. I jokingly said, "Don't forget, while we are shopping, I'm not Mommy, I'm Miss T". What was I thinking? "Your not Miss T, your Kate. Why do you have Miss T's card? Is it legal to use her card? Can you get arrested?". I tried to explain, but it was no use, essentially I was being disAWEnest and cheating my way into Costco. Shame on me. My poor Last AWEnest Man looked over his shoulder the entire time we were in the store, but I thought he was going to have a breakdown when we went to check out and I handed Miss T's card to the cashier. Ryan couldn't get out of Costco fast enough...until he saw the vending machines on the way out. By that time, he either figured we were safe or that the Grape Fanta Soda was worth his mother spending 48 hours in the slammer. I guess I need to stop being so cheap and get my own Costco membership or else shop on someone else's dime when Ryan is in school.
Laughter, embarrassment, and pride...just a few of the roller coaster emotions evoked in me as the mother of The Last AWEnest Man. One time, Ryan's AWEnesty even instilled fear in my hypochondriac brain. It was the night before I turned 40. Ryan and I were snuggled in bed reading and he said, "So tomorrow you turn 40...", followed by a big sigh. I asked why did my 40th birthday seem to make him sad and his response, "Well when you're 40 your old and when you're old you die." After stifling a chuckle, my neurotic brain took over and I began to wonder if he knew something I didn't? With Ryan's heightened senses, I considered the possibility that maybe he was just like those dogs that are trained to pick up the scent of certain diseases. Maybe autism gave Ryan some type of Spidey sense and "this time", I really did have some life threatening illness! Well, that was four years ago and happily, I'm still here, but after that all too AWEnest conversation, my 40th birthday was a bit of a downer.
Yes, Ryan and many kids on the autism spectrum are brutally AWEnest because AWEnestly, they don't know any other way to be. Unfortunately, this AWEnesty for kids with an ASD also means that they can't comprehend that others would not be AWEnest all the time and this leaves these kids very vulnerable. If a fellow classmate tells a child with an ASD that the teacher said it was okay to "share" the test answers, that AWEnest child is going to believe his classmate because lying doesn't even cross his mind. When that AWEnest child is brought to the principal for cheating, he won't understand what he did wrong. These kids rarely lie or cheat, they are AWEnest rule followers, which although those qualites would make them a fabulous President, it makes them prey to school yard bullies.
Just like there are so many things that come easily for Ryan, such as math, music, and science, the rules of when to be AWEnest and when to be socially or politically correct will never come naturally to him, but Ryan can be taught to tell you that your new haircut looks nice even though every fiber in his being wants to tell you it's ugly. Ryan would have been intrigued by Ben Franklin's experiment, but that still wouldn't have stopped him from yelling, "Yo dude, standing out in a thunderstorm flying a kite with a metal key attached makes you a freaking moron." Although Ben escaped unscathed, many others who have tried to duplicate his experiment were electrocuted. Those poor folks would have welcomed such words of wisdom from The Last AWEnest man.
A word to the wise, if you are having a bad hair day, a water retaining fat day or a makeup free au natural day, don't stop by our house for a visit. If, however, you want an AWEnest opinion about your new hair color, your new "eyeglasses" or if the Botox treatment recently injected in your brow line makes you look like a mannequin, I know someone who will tell it "like it is". As The Last AWEnest Man's mother, my skin is as thick as an alligator....and as wrinkled....so I've been told. I have learned that when I'm out of town and call home to talk to the kids, that when Kyle asks Ryan if he wants to talk to Mom and The Last AWEnest Man replies, "I know this is going to make me sound like an idiot, but not really", this is not a reflection of his love for me, it's just that Ryan believes that AWEnesty is not the best policy, it is the ONLY policy.
Yes, Ryan and many kids on the autism spectrum are brutally AWEnest because AWEnestly, they don't know any other way to be. Unfortunately, this AWEnesty for kids with an ASD also means that they can't comprehend that others would not be AWEnest all the time and this leaves these kids very vulnerable. If a fellow classmate tells a child with an ASD that the teacher said it was okay to "share" the test answers, that AWEnest child is going to believe his classmate because lying doesn't even cross his mind. When that AWEnest child is brought to the principal for cheating, he won't understand what he did wrong. These kids rarely lie or cheat, they are AWEnest rule followers, which although those qualites would make them a fabulous President, it makes them prey to school yard bullies.
Just like there are so many things that come easily for Ryan, such as math, music, and science, the rules of when to be AWEnest and when to be socially or politically correct will never come naturally to him, but Ryan can be taught to tell you that your new haircut looks nice even though every fiber in his being wants to tell you it's ugly. Ryan would have been intrigued by Ben Franklin's experiment, but that still wouldn't have stopped him from yelling, "Yo dude, standing out in a thunderstorm flying a kite with a metal key attached makes you a freaking moron." Although Ben escaped unscathed, many others who have tried to duplicate his experiment were electrocuted. Those poor folks would have welcomed such words of wisdom from The Last AWEnest man.
A word to the wise, if you are having a bad hair day, a water retaining fat day or a makeup free au natural day, don't stop by our house for a visit. If, however, you want an AWEnest opinion about your new hair color, your new "eyeglasses" or if the Botox treatment recently injected in your brow line makes you look like a mannequin, I know someone who will tell it "like it is". As The Last AWEnest Man's mother, my skin is as thick as an alligator....and as wrinkled....so I've been told. I have learned that when I'm out of town and call home to talk to the kids, that when Kyle asks Ryan if he wants to talk to Mom and The Last AWEnest Man replies, "I know this is going to make me sound like an idiot, but not really", this is not a reflection of his love for me, it's just that Ryan believes that AWEnesty is not the best policy, it is the ONLY policy.
According to The Last AWEnest Man, my sunglasses don't make me look a "little ugly", just my EYEGLASSES.
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