All content on this website is copyrighted and may not be shared or copied without the author's permission
The AWEnesty of Autism
  • Blog
  • Contact Me
  • About Us
  • AWEnest Advocacy

Things That Went Bump in the Night

6/11/2015

1 Comment

 
Picture
As a kid, I routinely checked under my bed and in my closet before going to bed at night. I'm not sure what I was afraid I'd find or what I would do if I found "it", I just knew that checking in those places and not finding "it" decreased my chances of hearing something go bump in the night. This inevitably lead me to a much more peaceful night's sleep.

As an adult, I no longer check in my closet, peek under my bed or quickly fling open the shower door, baseball bat in hand, for things that go bump in the night. However, once I heard the word autism, The A Word seemed scarier than anything I ever worried about as a child. The funny thing is, the fear was the same. Whether it was the fear of what was lurking in my closet or what was lurking in my son's future, it was the fear of the unknown that kept me from closing my eyes as I lay alone in the dark. The A Word was not the scary "it" that I feared would jump out from under my bed as a child. No, The A Word was the fear of "different" rattling inside my head that kept me up at night.

It took years for my fear to subside, to stop looking for autism under the bed and in the closet and to just see my son. I wish nothing more than to get those years back. To reassure my scared self with the same comforting words my mother use to say when I was a child to ease my fears, "there is nothing to be afraid of" or "it will be ok", but, I think I had to live through those fears to overcome them. I had to worry to appreciate. Sure, every now and then, the "what if" monster creeps back inside my head, but, when he does, I know my best defense is to look at my son and remember what use to be scary was nothing more than my lack of understanding, my lack of awareness, and my worry that different meant less.

One bump in the night that use to make me pull the covers over my head was scripting. I would lay awake fearful that Ryan couldn't tell me about his day, couldn't tell me he felt sick, but, could recite a thirty minute Thomas the Tank Engine Video from beginning to end. I worried not only about my own fears of this particular "bump", I worried that the scripting would make others anxious too. What will people think when he talks like Austin Powers or The Grinch? Will they disregard him? Will they think he's "too different" and not try to understand him? Will they see autism and not him?

Picture
Scripting no longer hides in the shadows waiting to jump out and scare me because now I know there is nothing to fear. Ryan scripts to communicate and to soothe himself when things go bump in the night for him. After a tough day, the scripting coming from the shower gives me a sense of peace that the storm has passed. Funny, how for a period of time when I didn't understand, when I was afraid, the scripting use to feel like the storm and now it's like a compass that guides him back to safe shores and puts my worried heart at ease.

Perseverating was another bump that use to freak me out. Why does he play with the same toy, press the same button, make the same noise over, and over, and over again? How can he watch the same episode of Gumball over, and over, and over again without wanting to scratch his eyes out? Peserverating may not make sense to me, but, it makes perfect sense to Ryan. I have learned not to fear it, but, to embrace the intensity of his focus that comes with perseveration. Such focus has made Ryan a wonderful pianist and vocalist and one day it may lead Ryan to solve problems or develop a solution that others can't see because they give up, are distracted, or just don't care enough. 

Picture
When the perseverating and the scripting no longer kept me awake at night, the fear of new clothes did. The change of seasons use to freak me out almost as much as the Boogeyman. Ryan's sensory system was so, well....sensitive, that every new item of clothing was a form of torture for him. Putting on stiff, scratchy jeans after wearing silky, satin shorts all summer long was too much for his system to take. Then you add a stiff winter coat, and my poor boy walked around like Randy from A Christmas Story ("I can't put my arms down!"). Ryan now wears a collared shirt and a tie when performing with his chorale ensemble. There are moans and groans coming from behind his closet door as he pulls the dreaded clothes out, but, he puts them on and it's not the least bit scary anymore.

Picture
Without a doubt, the scariest bump that I feared night after night was lack of eye contact. Why does he look away? Why doesn't he see me? Why do I only get a glimpse inside that beautiful soul? My fear that Ryan didn't "see me" that he wasn't listening was as unjustified as my stuffed animals coming alive at night (Thank God Toy Story wasn't created until after I grew up). I understand now that the eyes are too powerful and too confusing for Ryan, but, he sees and hears everything. He has told me, "If you want me to listen to you, then I can't look at you" and now I understand that is nothing to fear.

When I first heard The A Word, I was terrified. It made all the fears I had as a child seem ridiculous (except those toys coming to life, thanks Buzz and Woody for validating that one). The checking and double checking for "it" under the bed and in the closet may have helped prepare me for The A Word. I realize now that yes, the unknown is scary, the unknown can jump out at you when you are least expecting it, but, checking behind closed doors and under beds for what you can't see, really doesn't help eliminate that fear. What does help with the fear of the unknown, is focusing on what is known, what you can see, what is here and now because that my friends, is nothing to fear.

Picture
The things that went bump in the night, even a shirt and tie, weren't so scary after all.
1 Comment
Nat
6/11/2015 11:17:34 am

Interesting coincidence you should post this today of all days.I responded to someone asking the question-what is the difference between HFA(high functioning autism) and Aspergers?I tried to explain that one was never a diagnosis,the other is no longer one-it all fall under autism.She asked "Why is it still a term used by so many parents and sometimes even experts?'
Which made me pause-because I wanted to be absolutely honest.I told her I used HFA initially because saying my child had autism filled me with dread,but also worried me about how he would be treated by those who heard 'autism' and would instantly diminish the abilities he had despite or maybe even because of his autism.
I think back then there was still a lot of misconception about autism,and a lot of judgement of parent of children with it.I felt like a failure, as if I could have changed anything in the way he was raised that would have prevented autism.I felt that by saying 'He is high functioning.' I would at least deflect some of that judgement.
In the years since my son has become very self aware and 'owns' his Aspergers,and that is what he calls it for him self,even though it is no longer a diagnosis.
I go with ASD or autism,because in the years since my sons diagnosis I think people have become a lot more aware and accepting on what autism means and how it impacts our children,and that it is part of their whole being.Because if I can't say it freely-then am I not implying that it is something bad,something to hide?

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    The Mighty Contributor

       Author

    Picture
    Keeping it real, raw, and AWEnest while laughing, loving and living in our world 
    touched by Autism.
    If you would like to subscribe to this blog ...

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

    Definition of Awe:
    "a mixed emotion of
    reverence, respect, dread and wonder inspired by authority, genius, great
    beauty, sublimity or might." Yep, someone should have consulted a mom 
    before
    spelling AWEtism.

    Archives

    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013

    Categories

    All
    A Blink Of An Eye
    Acceptance
    Advocates
    Aestivation
    Alone
    ASD
    ASD
    ASD And Disney
    ASD Empathy
    Asd Love
    Atypical
    Austin Powers
    Autism
    Autism Acceptance
    Autism Adults
    Autism And Alone
    Autism And Disney
    Autism And Emotions
    Autism And Fevers
    Autism And Field Trips
    Autism And Friends
    Autism And Homework
    Autism And Hope
    Autism And Lonely
    Autism And Media
    Autism And Police Interaction
    Autism Awareness
    Autism Awareness 2016
    Autism Brothers
    Autism Emotions
    Autism Empathy
    Autism Feelings
    Autism Friends
    Autism Idioms
    Autism Journey
    Autism Lessons
    Autism Love
    Autism Meltdown
    Autism Moms
    Autism Routine
    Autism Routines
    Autism Self Advocacy
    Autism Self-Awareness
    Autism Siblings
    Autism Speaks
    Autism Spectrum Disorders
    Autism Swimming
    Autism Tour Guide
    Autistic Enough
    Awe Inspiring
    Awe-inspiring
    Back To School
    Baseball
    Beach
    Beauty
    Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
    Big
    Black And White Thinking
    Brady Bunch
    Bravery
    Breaking Bad
    Bridge Over Troubled Water
    Bugs
    Bullying
    Champion
    Change
    Change Of Heart
    Changes
    Chatty Cathy Doll
    Childhood
    Christmas
    Clothes And Autism
    Clueless
    College
    Communicating
    Communication Skills
    Comparing Disabilities
    Confidence
    Conscious Uncoupling
    Creepers
    Criticsm
    Day Of Pampering
    Death And Dying
    Denial
    Diet
    Differences
    Different
    Different Not Less
    Disability
    Disney World
    Donkey
    Donuts
    Dr. Seuss
    Early Bird Gets The Worm
    Eddie Murphy
    Ed Sheeran
    Educators
    Emily Dickinson
    Emoji
    Estivation
    Facebook
    Facial Cues
    Fear Of Santa
    Fears
    Fifty Shades Of Grey
    First
    Flags Of Autism
    Friends
    Gifts
    Groundhog Day
    Growing Up
    Guest Blogger
    Hades
    Halloween
    Happy
    He Is There
    Helicoptoring
    He Loves Me
    He Loves Me Not
    History Of Autism
    Holidays And Autism
    Homecoming
    Homework
    Honesty
    Hope
    Hovering
    Hygiene
    Hygiene Autism
    I Am Sorry
    I Am You
    Idioms
    Include
    Inclusion
    Inside Out
    Instagram
    Invisible
    IPhone
    It Takes A Village
    John Elder Robison
    Judgement
    Julia Muppet
    Kate Upton
    Kisses
    Language
    Left Out
    Legacy Of Autism
    Letter To Me
    Letter To My Son
    Lifeguard
    Limited Diet
    Listen To Your Heart
    Literal Thinking
    Loch Ness Monster
    Loving A Child With Autism
    Matthew McConaughey
    Minecraft
    Minecraft Autism
    Moms
    Mother's Day
    Mothers Day
    Mothers Disabled Children
    Mothers Love
    Mothers Of Children With Autism
    Music
    Musical Gift
    Music Autism
    Myths About Autism
    Neurotribes
    New Clothes
    New Years
    Not Alone
    Not Less
    Parenting
    Peanut Gallery
    People Magazine
    Peter Brady Voice Change
    Pets
    Piano
    Placebo Effect
    Play
    Pointing
    Police
    Pool
    Proud To Stand Out
    Read Across America
    Relief Pitcher
    Remorse
    Risks
    Rituals
    Roar
    Routines
    Same Old Song And Dance
    School
    Scripting
    Sensory
    Sesame Street
    Sharing Interests
    Sharks
    Showers
    Showing
    Shrek
    Siblings
    Singing
    Small Talk
    Social
    Social Circles
    Social Communication Disorder
    Social Media
    Social Skills
    Speech
    Stereotypes
    Steve Silberman
    Stickers
    Summer
    Summer Camps Autism
    Support
    Surfers Healing
    Talk The Talk
    #TBT
    Teacher
    Teachers
    Team
    Temple Grandin
    Thankful
    Thanksgiving
    The AWEnesty Of Autism
    The A Word
    #thedress
    The Jeffersons
    The Old Me
    The Outsiders
    Throwback Thursday
    To Tell Or Not To Tell
    Touch
    Trick Or Treat
    Trying To Understand
    Unexpected
    Vacations And Autism
    Vacations And Autism
    Video Games
    Walk The Walk
    Walter White
    Weather
    Wheaties
    Wine
    Wishes
    Wizard Of Oz
    Words
    World Autism Awareness Day
    Zombies

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.