Happy Mother's Day my fellow Best Job in the World title holders! Today's post is specifically for moms. Sorry dads, it doesn't mean you can't read it, I just don't know if you will "get it". Unless of course, you miraculously grew a child in your womb-less body and while growing that child, maybe, just maybe, you downed one too many cups of coffee or perhaps even a nitrate filled Sheetz hot dog...or two...or three, or the horror of all horrors, perhaps you had a sip of wine because you read somewhere that in other countries an occasional glass of wine while pregnant is acceptable so certainly a sip...or two...or three will cause no harm.
If after partaking in one of these horribly self-indulgent moments, you then experienced an overwhelming feeling of guilt while images of your baby being born missing a toe...or two...or three, as a result of your Sheetz hot dog weakness, go on and on like a horror movie reel in your head, while at the same time, your uncontrollable hormone laced brain is imagining greasy, void of any life sustaining nutrients, chili fries with your next Sheetz hot dog because you can't imagine just one more hot dog will make that much of a difference...right? So dads, if that miracle of all miracles did occur, then by all means you do "get it" and you are most certainly welcome to join The Guilt Complex Mom's Club, aka GCMC. Just an FYI...The Guilt Complex Mom's Club is a little like The Hotel California, "You can check out anytime you like, but, you can never leave".
If after partaking in one of these horribly self-indulgent moments, you then experienced an overwhelming feeling of guilt while images of your baby being born missing a toe...or two...or three, as a result of your Sheetz hot dog weakness, go on and on like a horror movie reel in your head, while at the same time, your uncontrollable hormone laced brain is imagining greasy, void of any life sustaining nutrients, chili fries with your next Sheetz hot dog because you can't imagine just one more hot dog will make that much of a difference...right? So dads, if that miracle of all miracles did occur, then by all means you do "get it" and you are most certainly welcome to join The Guilt Complex Mom's Club, aka GCMC. Just an FYI...The Guilt Complex Mom's Club is a little like The Hotel California, "You can check out anytime you like, but, you can never leave".
I swear the nanosecond that the two lines appeared on the EPT pregnancy test my mother's guilt started. "OMG...I had two shots of tequila 5 days ago plus a Corona....or two...or three!", so I immediately called my doctor and asked if my unborn child would suffer from
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. The doctor assured me that as long as I laid off the tequila from that moment on, the baby would probably be fine. "Probably"? "Probably"? Where in the love of God is the statistical certainty in "probably"?! Clearly, my OBGYN didn't know me that well back then (poor thing knows me all too well now and is considering an early retirement). I'm betting, thanks in part to my neurosis and in part to the mother's guilt that begins the moment that hearty little sperm reaches the egg, that by the second trimester, my doctor realized that my pregnancy may very well be the longest pregnancy in recorded history and wondered repeatedly why he didn't become an accountant instead of a doctor.
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. The doctor assured me that as long as I laid off the tequila from that moment on, the baby would probably be fine. "Probably"? "Probably"? Where in the love of God is the statistical certainty in "probably"?! Clearly, my OBGYN didn't know me that well back then (poor thing knows me all too well now and is considering an early retirement). I'm betting, thanks in part to my neurosis and in part to the mother's guilt that begins the moment that hearty little sperm reaches the egg, that by the second trimester, my doctor realized that my pregnancy may very well be the longest pregnancy in recorded history and wondered repeatedly why he didn't become an accountant instead of a doctor.
For as beautiful and unending as a mother's love is, a mother's guilt is equally as pervasive and unremitting. If, as a mother, you couldn't produce enough breast milk and had to resort to formula instead....guilt. If you produced enough breast milk, but, your diet was filled with Oreos and chocolate, and even though you'd throw yourself in front of a bus for your baby, you still really wanted just one glass of wine...guilt. If you decided to quit your job and be a stay at home mom and let your husband take on the responsibility and the stress of paying the bills...guilt. If you went back to work and put your baby in daycare in order to help pay the bills or just because you like working....guilt. If you run your kid's forgotten homework assignment to school every single time thus enabling him and not teaching him responsibility...guilt. If you don't take in your kid's forgotten homework assignment and he pays the price in a poor grade, a strike or a red cube...guilt. If your son asks you "Well, what do you think?" about his new girlfriend and you say she's a tramp, and warn him that this new girl will decimate his heart, and he walks away from you and chooses her...guilt. If you lie and tell your son she's "lovely" and in the end that skanky little tramp breaks his heart just like you knew she would....guilt. A mother's guilt comes with the job, but, we all know that regardless of our guilt, our self reproach and our self condemnation, we wouldn't quit this job, even if our life depended on it.
A mother loving a child with an ASD or any disability is not exempt from this guilt, in fact there tends to be added guilt. There is the, "What did I do to have my child deserve this?" guilt. There is the, "What if somehow I caused this?" guilt. Then top that off with a little, "Do my other children get enough of my love and attention?" guilt. Oh, and let's not forget the, "Have I picked the right therapists, the right support, the right help?" guilt. Then we have the old, "Am I doing enough?" guilt. And my personal favorite, is the, "What if all the Oreos and chocolate I eat leads to an early grave then who will love and care for my child?" guilt. Regardless of which question lead you to receive your lifelong membership into The Guilt Complex Mom's Club, like any mother loving a neurotypical child, mothers loving a child with a different ability wouldn't quit their job or this club even on the toughest day. That is why, there is a day to honor you, and honor you I shall.
As your gift from the President of The Guilt Complex Mom's Club, I want you to have a guilt-free Mother's Day. Seriously, it's only 24 hours and even if you say to hell with the laundry and the dirty dishes, or you let your kids have soda and not one single vegetable all day long, relish in your 24 hour pass, and rejoice in all that is good with the label, "Mother" and this well deserved day to honor you. To help ease your guilt ridden heart for a mere 24 hours, I want you to keep in mind that even on your worst days, the days where you scream until your head spins around, the days you teach your children a slew of new curse words and precisely when and how to use them, or the days you feel like having a "Me Day" and do nothing, but, sit in your sweatpants eating a carton of ice cream while binge watching three seasons of Sex and the City longing for your youth, a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes and a weekend pass to your BC (Before Children) days, you are still entitled to a day. Remember, that on the lowest of low mommy days, you are doing your best, your children are loved, and there is always some mother out there beating you out for the Crappiest Mom Award. So today, an early Mother's Day gift for you from me. No matter how bad it gets, no matter how much you yell, no matter how many times you tell yourself corn and potatoes are vegetables and no matter how many children your kids have taught the F word to, your mothering, beats out the cuckoo bird, the panda and the harp seal....every single day of the week. You can thank me later.
We've all had those days, the days when you want to take your kids and dump them on someone else's doorstep. Heck, some days get so bad that you actually tell your kids you are going to do just that...the old dial 1-800-NEW-MOMMY tactic (there is always the chance this could backfire and the kids really do want a new mommy and pick up the phone asking you to repeat the phone number slowly, so use this tactic carefully). Guess what, the cuckoo bird doesn't just talk the talk, she walks the walk, or flies the fly. Yes, cuckoo bird moms are so into getting back to life BC, that they trick other birds into raising their squealing youngsters by laying their eggs in another bird's nest. AWEnestly, we may threaten it, we may think it, hell, we may even leave our kids at a play date an hour past pick up hoping the other mom is too busy chasing our kid to look at the time, but, even in our worst mommy moments, we don't just dump our eggs and run. Cruel irony to this bad mommy moment, the cuckoo babies usually hatch first, grow bigger faster and kick the original occupants out of the nest, talk about evil step-sisters. At least the cuckoo bird, although horribly irresponsible, lazy, heartless, and selfish, looks out for her babies for 10 seconds by leaving them with someone else. Some mothers aren't even that kind.
The harp seal, is kind enough to stick around for about 12 days feeding her little pup, in fact, she is so selfless during those 12 days that she doesn't eat a bite herself. However, when those 12 days are up, mama gets hungry and her urge to mate becomes so strong that she leaves her baby unattended on the ice to fend for himself. Look at that face...for heaven's sake, it's even shedding a tear. What a heartless, cold, some might even say, slutty mother! Her urge to mate and eat surpasses her instinct to keep her baby safe. Yep, mama goes out looking for a new man while baby loses half of it's body weight for the next month and a half hoping some predator doesn't care about how skinny he is and eats him for lunch. Needless to say, almost 30% of harp seal pups don't survive. Now, not to defend this callous mother, but, I will say that when it came time to feed Ryan as a baby, just like the harp seal, I just sort of laid around and gave the boy his milk. Easy breezy. If I'm being AWEnest though, when the sensory stuff kicked in and Ryan wouldn't eat anything I put in front of him or worse yet, you ran out of the one thing he did want, which resulted in tantrums, meltdowns and lots and lots of tears, I thought about heading out on the ice on my own too. Clearly, I would have made sure Ryan had plenty of Jello Vanilla Pudding and Vanilla Oreos before I left, so that does put me one step above the harp seal.
I have to admit, of all the bad mommy moments, I have had, and oh, believe me there have been plenty, I don't think I have ever thought about keeping one kid...the stronger, brighter, more likely to succeed child and dumping the other one (or in my case two). Pandas frequently have twins, and in mama bear's defense, bamboo is low in nutrients which makes producing enough milk for two babies very difficult, so, mama bear starts ignoring the weaker sibling while the stronger sibling gets more love, more attention, and more milk. AWEnestly, those are some creepy looking babies...it's a wonder mama panda doesn't go out on the town with mama harp seal mackin' on potential mates. I remember, in my bad mommy moments, when Ryan was little and Denial and Clueless were by my side, I frequently wished Ryan was more like Kyle, but, never did it cross my mind to ignore him or neglect him in favor of his neurotypical brother. In fact, it was, and still is, just the opposite. I often feel the mommy guilt sink in that Ryan gets more attention, more support, and more "milk" than his other siblings because the support his needs from mama bear is different. That doesn't mean that his other siblings deserve any less of my attention or support, it just means that some days, there is just not enough of me to go around, so I do the best I can while the mommy guilt sinks in....again.
So, yes, cuckoo birds, harp seals, and panda bears should make you feel a little better about your worst mommy moments. The one thing all three of these animals have in common, besides sucking at mothering, is their lack of membership into The Guilt Complex Mom's Club. You see, without the guilt of the "whys", "what if's", "should have", "could have", "would have", we would be no better at loving and supporting our kids than these three wild animals. It's the guilt that keeps us from abandoning them in another nest, leaving them out on the ice for the next hot guy who strolls past, or picking the smartest, strongest child over a weaker one. The love and guilt are so intertwined and that's what keeps us coming back for more.
So, yes, cuckoo birds, harp seals, and panda bears should make you feel a little better about your worst mommy moments. The one thing all three of these animals have in common, besides sucking at mothering, is their lack of membership into The Guilt Complex Mom's Club. You see, without the guilt of the "whys", "what if's", "should have", "could have", "would have", we would be no better at loving and supporting our kids than these three wild animals. It's the guilt that keeps us from abandoning them in another nest, leaving them out on the ice for the next hot guy who strolls past, or picking the smartest, strongest child over a weaker one. The love and guilt are so intertwined and that's what keeps us coming back for more.
There are days still that my guilt overwhelms me and the questions run round and round in my head. Why does Ryan have an ASD? Why Ryan, and not Kyle or Emma? What if I caused his autism? Why did I get a flu shot before I knew I was pregnant? Why did I crave Sheetz hot dogs and Tastykake Chocolate Mini Donuts instead of fruits and vegetables? I should have ignored those cravings. What if I had done ABA Therapy when he was young? Maybe if I would have played with him more, he'd be more social? Maybe had I done something different.
Some days I find myself hanging in The Guilt Complex Mom's Club Clubhouse more so than other days. Maybe I had more of a yelling day, more of a "Me Day", or I left my kids in the neighbors nest an hour...or two....or three longer than I said I would. In those moments, I try to keep in mind all the good mommy moments I have had. Fighting for the child who may not know how to fend for himself. Loving all three children equally and trying not to punch a time card on who had mom the most that day. Tending to each of their needs before my own. Mostly though, I remember that regardless of my mistakes, my selfishness and my ugly moments, my kids know, I will never leave them in someone else's nest (for too long), I will never leave them freezing and starving for the next hot harp seal who walks by (do seals walk?), and I will never, ever chose one child over the other regardless of how little milk there is to go around....unless of course one of them gets me a better Mother's Day gift, then all bets are off and all the guilt is gone.
Enjoy your 24 hours of guilt free Mother's Day...you deserve it. Today, my fellow members, the Clubhouse is closed.
Some days I find myself hanging in The Guilt Complex Mom's Club Clubhouse more so than other days. Maybe I had more of a yelling day, more of a "Me Day", or I left my kids in the neighbors nest an hour...or two....or three longer than I said I would. In those moments, I try to keep in mind all the good mommy moments I have had. Fighting for the child who may not know how to fend for himself. Loving all three children equally and trying not to punch a time card on who had mom the most that day. Tending to each of their needs before my own. Mostly though, I remember that regardless of my mistakes, my selfishness and my ugly moments, my kids know, I will never leave them in someone else's nest (for too long), I will never leave them freezing and starving for the next hot harp seal who walks by (do seals walk?), and I will never, ever chose one child over the other regardless of how little milk there is to go around....unless of course one of them gets me a better Mother's Day gift, then all bets are off and all the guilt is gone.
Enjoy your 24 hours of guilt free Mother's Day...you deserve it. Today, my fellow members, the Clubhouse is closed.
Annual Mother's Day hike up Pole Steeple which I will make them do again this year and feel no guilt about it.
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