Last week, we watched the movie, The Imitation Game and it was easy to see why Benedict Cumberbatch received a Best Actor nomination for his role as Alan Turing. I knew nothing about Alan Turing and his AWEsome math and cryptological mind that eventually enabled him to decipher the Nazis Enigma coding machine. Alan's ability to think outside the box, to think "differently" than his colleagues, helped us to win WWII. It is estimated that without Alan's contributions, without his AWEsome mind, the war would have lasted about two years longer with the cost being approximately 14 million more lives.
I thought Alan Turing was brilliant, fascinating....and autistic. I immediately Googled, "was Alan Turing autistic" and quickly discovered there were many others who saw autistic traits in this often misunderstood genius.
There is no way to determine if Alan Turing fell somewhere on the autism spectrum, but, there were certainly a lot of traits that made me (and others) speculate. Alan was a genius in both math and deciphering and enciphering encrypted messages. He also didn't like it when his peas and carrots touched. Alan ate an apple every night before bedtime. He struggled understanding sarcasm and picking up social cue. Alan also had trouble relating to his peers, so, he had a hard time making friends. Hmmm...what would the DSM-V say?
Along with his genius IQ and his social quirks, Alan Turing was also gay at a time when being gay was not only socially unacceptable, it was against the law. As a result, Alan Turing was forced to pretend to be someone he was not in order to conform to the way society expected him to be rather than having society accept him as he was. Being a brilliant, quirky, socially awkward, gay man was not the majority, so Alan felt obligated to play The Imitation Game. Sadly, the results were tragic.
I thought Alan Turing was brilliant, fascinating....and autistic. I immediately Googled, "was Alan Turing autistic" and quickly discovered there were many others who saw autistic traits in this often misunderstood genius.
There is no way to determine if Alan Turing fell somewhere on the autism spectrum, but, there were certainly a lot of traits that made me (and others) speculate. Alan was a genius in both math and deciphering and enciphering encrypted messages. He also didn't like it when his peas and carrots touched. Alan ate an apple every night before bedtime. He struggled understanding sarcasm and picking up social cue. Alan also had trouble relating to his peers, so, he had a hard time making friends. Hmmm...what would the DSM-V say?
Along with his genius IQ and his social quirks, Alan Turing was also gay at a time when being gay was not only socially unacceptable, it was against the law. As a result, Alan Turing was forced to pretend to be someone he was not in order to conform to the way society expected him to be rather than having society accept him as he was. Being a brilliant, quirky, socially awkward, gay man was not the majority, so Alan felt obligated to play The Imitation Game. Sadly, the results were tragic.
After the movie ended, I found myself wondering if all these years I've been forcing Ryan to play his own version of The Imitation Game? I mean, for years, I've been asking him to do what a neurotypical "majority" society expects of him, but, not what feels natural. Asking Ryan to look people in the eye when speaking to them, telling him not to script so loudly in the bus line, asking him to please wear jeans instead of fleece pants to school, and teaching him to ask what others are interested in, when in reality, he could care less.
There were many times over the years I forced Ryan to try this activity or that activity because that's what "EVERYONE is doing' and by "EVERYONE" I meant the neurotypical majority. In other word, imitate the majority, do what your neurotypical peers are doing because that is what people expect, that is what people want to see, that is what makes people comfortable.
Conform, don't stand out. Be the same, don't be different. Imitate, don't be true.
Sure, I understand that Ryan needs to have good manners, learn what is appropriate and what is not, and I want him to be a successful contributing member of the neurotypicals that makes up the majority of our society, but, I also want Ryan to hold on to the essence of who he is, of who and what makes Ryan, Ryan and to never, ever feel shame for doing so.
As I felt my old friend Guilt pounding on my front door ready for her daily glass of wine, a thought occurred to me. A thought that shifted my entire way of thinking that had me re-writing this entire blog post. It's not Ryan or people living with autism who are playing The Imitation Game, it is the rest of us. We are the ones who so often spend our days imitating, not Ryan. For the most part, when the neurotypical majority is not nagging him, Ryan is confident in who he is, and he is not imitating anything or pretending to be someone he's not, while trying to conform to the majority. No, that's the rest of us.
There were many times over the years I forced Ryan to try this activity or that activity because that's what "EVERYONE is doing' and by "EVERYONE" I meant the neurotypical majority. In other word, imitate the majority, do what your neurotypical peers are doing because that is what people expect, that is what people want to see, that is what makes people comfortable.
Conform, don't stand out. Be the same, don't be different. Imitate, don't be true.
Sure, I understand that Ryan needs to have good manners, learn what is appropriate and what is not, and I want him to be a successful contributing member of the neurotypicals that makes up the majority of our society, but, I also want Ryan to hold on to the essence of who he is, of who and what makes Ryan, Ryan and to never, ever feel shame for doing so.
As I felt my old friend Guilt pounding on my front door ready for her daily glass of wine, a thought occurred to me. A thought that shifted my entire way of thinking that had me re-writing this entire blog post. It's not Ryan or people living with autism who are playing The Imitation Game, it is the rest of us. We are the ones who so often spend our days imitating, not Ryan. For the most part, when the neurotypical majority is not nagging him, Ryan is confident in who he is, and he is not imitating anything or pretending to be someone he's not, while trying to conform to the majority. No, that's the rest of us.
Think about it. How many of us have gone to a party we had absolutely no interest in attending, but, since "everyone will be there" we put on the latest and greatest dress with the latest and greatest shoes and the latest and greatest accessories along with our fake, all I want is to be in my jammies watching Netflix smile, and out the door we went? We've all worn clothes or fashion accessories that have felt so foreign and so ridiculous (Ummm, hello,"banana clips"?) because, well, "everyone is wearing them". Have you tried so hard to keep up with the Joneses that sometimes you forget that you are not a Jones and then have absolutely no recollection of who you were before you met the Joneses?
Yes, we neurotypicals are all guilty of playing The Imitation Game and although chances are it won't cost us our lives like it did Alan Turing, it does certainly make one wonder how much better life would be if we just quit imitating. But, chances are, we won't.
Yes, we neurotypicals are all guilty of playing The Imitation Game and although chances are it won't cost us our lives like it did Alan Turing, it does certainly make one wonder how much better life would be if we just quit imitating. But, chances are, we won't.
Ryan is winning a game he didn't even know he was playing. He is winning by sticking to his white, comfortable Joe Boxer socks because they are softer than the $14 a pair socks with the Nike logo emblazoned on the side so everyone knows you paid $14 for the socks (Joe Boxers are softer and they hold up better, I swear). Ryan is winning because he still loves Minecraft even though he "should" be playing Halo or Call of Duty like all the Joneses. Ryan is winning because he LOVES school, he LOVES learning and he happily goes to school every day even though at times he is intimidated by all the social rules that are either too hard for him to understand or too difficult to conform to behind those school walls. Ryan is winning because even though he doesn't fit in, even though he doesn't conform, and even though he doesn't have the faintest idea who the Joneses are, Ryan continues to succeed by just being him. Jones who?
Ryan has worked so incredibly hard to do what the neurotypical society expects of him in some ways, but, there is no one I know who has remained more true to who he is, who he is meant to be, and who smiles happily and proudly with that decision. I know there are days it is difficult for Ryan, I know there are days he has "mixed feelings about his ASD diagnosis", and I know there are occasional moments, where for a fleeting second he wonders what it's like to be a Jones, but, I think on most days, in most moments, Ryan could care less if he ever rolls the dice and takes a turn playing The Imitation Game.
He wins. We lose.
There was a quote from The Imitation Game movie that I believe is so profound and so true, that every time I read it, write it, or say it, I see a beautiful 13 year old boy with an amazing future. After Alan had suffered endlessly at the hands of his classmates, the Joneses who he refused to keep up with, Alan's one and only friend said,
"Sometimes it is the people no one imagines anything of, who do the things that no one can imagine."
Ryan has worked so incredibly hard to do what the neurotypical society expects of him in some ways, but, there is no one I know who has remained more true to who he is, who he is meant to be, and who smiles happily and proudly with that decision. I know there are days it is difficult for Ryan, I know there are days he has "mixed feelings about his ASD diagnosis", and I know there are occasional moments, where for a fleeting second he wonders what it's like to be a Jones, but, I think on most days, in most moments, Ryan could care less if he ever rolls the dice and takes a turn playing The Imitation Game.
He wins. We lose.
There was a quote from The Imitation Game movie that I believe is so profound and so true, that every time I read it, write it, or say it, I see a beautiful 13 year old boy with an amazing future. After Alan had suffered endlessly at the hands of his classmates, the Joneses who he refused to keep up with, Alan's one and only friend said,
"Sometimes it is the people no one imagines anything of, who do the things that no one can imagine."
By keeping up with the Joneses, by playing The Imitation Game, we may feel like conforming means winning, but, in the end, it is often those who stand apart, those who are different, those who remain true to themselves, and those who "no on imagines anything of" that wind up winning by going on to do the things "that no one can imagine".
As the tears rolled down my cheeks watching the final scenes of The Imitation Game, I found it so utterly tragic that Alan Turing was forced to play the game and tragically lose, just so others could win. I can't help but wonder what other contributions Alan would have made had society just accepted him as he was. Clearly, deciphering the encrypted Nazi code, ending a World War and saving millions of lives just wasn't enough. I wonder what is?
As the tears rolled down my cheeks watching the final scenes of The Imitation Game, I found it so utterly tragic that Alan Turing was forced to play the game and tragically lose, just so others could win. I can't help but wonder what other contributions Alan would have made had society just accepted him as he was. Clearly, deciphering the encrypted Nazi code, ending a World War and saving millions of lives just wasn't enough. I wonder what is?
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