Fear. According to Wiki, fear is "an emotion induced by a threat perceived by living entities, which causes a change in brain and organ function and ultimately, a change in behavior, such as running away, hiding or freezing from traumatic events". In other, simpler words, fear is an emotion you feel when you believe something is gonna hurt you, kill you, or disrupt your life forever so to escape it, you either run, hide, play dead or pee your pants. Sometimes these behaviors occur at the same time and typically at least one behavior results in a change of pants after the fear subsides.
Fear can be our best ally and our worst opponent. Fear can tell your brain to run when you see a big, or in my case, small snake. Fear can tell you to duck when you see a baseball or a meteor falling from the sky. And fear can tell you to play dead when you find a creepy clown chilling out in your closet. Even though fear can be a terrible adversary, fear is what lead our ancestors to run to warmer climates during the ice age, to hide from deadly locusts that buzzed through the sky, and to play dead when they happened upon a T-rex while out picking berries. The fear response has kept us scaredy cat humans from becoming extinct time and time again, so a shout out to fear, and my big, fast, cissy ancestors.
Fear can be our best ally and our worst opponent. Fear can tell your brain to run when you see a big, or in my case, small snake. Fear can tell you to duck when you see a baseball or a meteor falling from the sky. And fear can tell you to play dead when you find a creepy clown chilling out in your closet. Even though fear can be a terrible adversary, fear is what lead our ancestors to run to warmer climates during the ice age, to hide from deadly locusts that buzzed through the sky, and to play dead when they happened upon a T-rex while out picking berries. The fear response has kept us scaredy cat humans from becoming extinct time and time again, so a shout out to fear, and my big, fast, cissy ancestors.
Although fear may be necessary for our species to continue to survive and evolve, fear can really take the joy out of surviving all those horrible plagues, T-rex encounters and clowns hiding in your closet. Fear can suck the life out of the living. Believe me, I ought to know. More times than I can count, when staring down the face of fear, I have opted to wave the white flag, retreat, play dead and maybe once, ok, fine, twice,I even had to change my pants. Fear, 1,000. Me, 0.
I often lump fear and anxiety together, like it's one big emotion, one big word, "fearanxious". However, the big difference between fear and anxiety is that fear is a response to imminent danger, and anxiety, even though it may cause the body to have a response similar to fear, with anxiety, there is no imminent danger. Yeah, trying telling that to my head...and my bladder.
I often lump fear and anxiety together, like it's one big emotion, one big word, "fearanxious". However, the big difference between fear and anxiety is that fear is a response to imminent danger, and anxiety, even though it may cause the body to have a response similar to fear, with anxiety, there is no imminent danger. Yeah, trying telling that to my head...and my bladder.
Tomato, tomato, fear, anxiety, no matter what you call it, it takes up a great deal of time and space in my life. Most of my trembling fear begins with the words, either spoken out loud, or reverberating inside my scaredy cat head, "What if?". "What if the plane I am finally brave enough to board in order to travel to beautiful places I have always wanted to see, crashes, even though it's a bizillion times safer than cruising around in my minivan?" "What if I do get on a plane, it doesn't crash, and while hiking through the Grand Canyon I step on a rattle snake and can't make it to safety before the toxic venom courses through my veins?" "What if my plane lands safely, I hike the beautiful terrain of the Grand Canyon, step on a rattler, and an EMT is just around the bend, but, he's wearing a clown face, nose and hair?". "What if the clown performs a lobotomy and I finally stopped all the "what if'ing?"
Along with my perceived imminent dangers, and the dangers that are all just made up inside my scary brain, probably the biggest "What if" fear I ever had take up valuable space inside my overtaxed, donate it to science after a rattle snake or a clown kills me brain was, "What if he has autism?". The fear of such a diagnosis lead me to believe that there was imminent danger, danger that did in fact cause a "change in my behavior".
Along with my perceived imminent dangers, and the dangers that are all just made up inside my scary brain, probably the biggest "What if" fear I ever had take up valuable space inside my overtaxed, donate it to science after a rattle snake or a clown kills me brain was, "What if he has autism?". The fear of such a diagnosis lead me to believe that there was imminent danger, danger that did in fact cause a "change in my behavior".
Often my fear of "What if autism?" was quickly followed by some negative word like "doesn't", "can't" or "won't". What if Ryan doesn't know I love him? What if Ryan can't live on his own? What if Ryan doesn't make friends? What if Ryan can't graduate from high school? What if Ryan doesn't get married? What if Ryan won't ever know a father's love? "What if", driven by fear and followed by such negative words, resulted in a terrible change in my behavior...fearing the worst, worrying about the future, and often missing the joy in the now.
Since the very first day the fear of autism introduced herself to me, my behavior changed. I constantly worried about the negative, the "doesn't", the "can't" and the "won't" that sometimes I missed the "does", the "can" and the "will". I would do anything, hold a live rattlesnake or sell my soul to a demonic clown, if I could just go back and see all the positives I missed while worrying about the negatives.
I'd love to tell you that my fear is gone. That my behavior has gone back to the way it should be and that all I focus on is the positive, but, that would not be AWEnest. My behavior, induced by fear, has changed somewhat, but, there are days I still run away, hide, or play dead. Fortunately, I have this amazingly AWEsome son who does not feel autism is something to fear, that autism is NOT an imminent danger. My son regularly kicks my fear, my worries, and my negatives right back in my scrunched up furrowed brow face and it is....glorious.
Since the very first day the fear of autism introduced herself to me, my behavior changed. I constantly worried about the negative, the "doesn't", the "can't" and the "won't" that sometimes I missed the "does", the "can" and the "will". I would do anything, hold a live rattlesnake or sell my soul to a demonic clown, if I could just go back and see all the positives I missed while worrying about the negatives.
I'd love to tell you that my fear is gone. That my behavior has gone back to the way it should be and that all I focus on is the positive, but, that would not be AWEnest. My behavior, induced by fear, has changed somewhat, but, there are days I still run away, hide, or play dead. Fortunately, I have this amazingly AWEsome son who does not feel autism is something to fear, that autism is NOT an imminent danger. My son regularly kicks my fear, my worries, and my negatives right back in my scrunched up furrowed brow face and it is....glorious.
This past weekend was a perfect example of how my fear and my behavior gets stomped to the ground by my amazing boy. This past Saturday, Ryan participated in the PMEA Middle School Songfest. I dropped Ryan off at the Middle School at 6:30AM and he left with his choral director and six other students for a day of singing with over 130 kids he didn't know, in a school he had never been to, and no mom in sight until 4PM.
Of course the "What if's" followed by the negatives raced through my mind. "What if the change in the routine is too much and he won't participate?" "What if he can't tie his tie or his new shoes are too tight and he refuses to change his clothes?" "What if the day is too long, his sensory system is too taxed and he doesn't want to stay?". All the negatives, all the fear, all the anxiety overshadowed, again, the joy and excitement that Ryan was feeling while I went back home and crawled in my bed and played dead.
As I laid in my bed, letting the fear take over, I thought to myself, "What if it all goes ok?". "What if the schedule helps give him a routine and he can easily make it through the day?" "What if his excitement and pride for being chosen to attend the event is enough and he does tolerate his new shoes and choking tie?" "What if his love of music and his trust in his choral director will supersede the chaos of over 130 new kids in a new school and he loves it all?" That is precisely what happened. Ryan had a wonderful experience while I sat back glowing in the joy of having him prove me and my fear wrong, yet again.
I wish I could say my fear of autism has become extinct along with the dinosaurs or that my anxiety has flown away with the locusts, but, it hasn't. I have, however, gotten better at trying not to allow my fear of autism change my behavior. I have learned that even though I can still run from snakes, and hide from clowns, I can not run away or hide from autism. Just like my unbelievably brave son, I have to hold my ground, stand firm and face autism head on and not let the "won't's", "can't's" and "doesn't's" win.
Of course the "What if's" followed by the negatives raced through my mind. "What if the change in the routine is too much and he won't participate?" "What if he can't tie his tie or his new shoes are too tight and he refuses to change his clothes?" "What if the day is too long, his sensory system is too taxed and he doesn't want to stay?". All the negatives, all the fear, all the anxiety overshadowed, again, the joy and excitement that Ryan was feeling while I went back home and crawled in my bed and played dead.
As I laid in my bed, letting the fear take over, I thought to myself, "What if it all goes ok?". "What if the schedule helps give him a routine and he can easily make it through the day?" "What if his excitement and pride for being chosen to attend the event is enough and he does tolerate his new shoes and choking tie?" "What if his love of music and his trust in his choral director will supersede the chaos of over 130 new kids in a new school and he loves it all?" That is precisely what happened. Ryan had a wonderful experience while I sat back glowing in the joy of having him prove me and my fear wrong, yet again.
I wish I could say my fear of autism has become extinct along with the dinosaurs or that my anxiety has flown away with the locusts, but, it hasn't. I have, however, gotten better at trying not to allow my fear of autism change my behavior. I have learned that even though I can still run from snakes, and hide from clowns, I can not run away or hide from autism. Just like my unbelievably brave son, I have to hold my ground, stand firm and face autism head on and not let the "won't's", "can't's" and "doesn't's" win.
Autism is a developmental disability that often effects the behavior of the person living with this diagnosis, yet, more often than not, it is my behavior that is effected by autism. My fear has "ultimately caused a change in my behavior". All my fears, all my anxieties, all my "What if's" followed by negative words and thoughts, has repeatedly caused me to miss all the good, all the positive, and all the joy.
The joy in "What if's" such as, "What if he does find a perfect career fit and is happy and successful?" or "What if he does meet a girl and can have a healthy relationship and one day get married?" or "What if one day he will know a father's love?" are so much better than the fear induced, negative "What if's?". The "What if?" that matters most though is not about my worries, my dreams, or my joy. The most important "What if" is this, "What if Ryan lives his life as he chooses and is perfectly happy doing so?".
Even if Ryan decides to become a circus clown, this mother will find joy in his happiness, however, he will not be able to wear the clown face, nose or the hair at the holiday dinner table. Perhaps once the future arrives, I can finally put my fear to rest. As long as Ryan becomes a clown who can perform lobotomies.
The joy in "What if's" such as, "What if he does find a perfect career fit and is happy and successful?" or "What if he does meet a girl and can have a healthy relationship and one day get married?" or "What if one day he will know a father's love?" are so much better than the fear induced, negative "What if's?". The "What if?" that matters most though is not about my worries, my dreams, or my joy. The most important "What if" is this, "What if Ryan lives his life as he chooses and is perfectly happy doing so?".
Even if Ryan decides to become a circus clown, this mother will find joy in his happiness, however, he will not be able to wear the clown face, nose or the hair at the holiday dinner table. Perhaps once the future arrives, I can finally put my fear to rest. As long as Ryan becomes a clown who can perform lobotomies.
Proud siblings who never let fear stop them from seeing the AWEsomeness of their brother.
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