All content on this website is copyrighted and may not be shared or copied without the author's permission
The AWEnesty of Autism
  • Blog
  • Contact Me
  • About Us
  • AWEnest Advocacy

What If?

11/20/2014

0 Comments

 
Picture
Fear. According to Wiki, fear is "an emotion induced by a threat perceived by living entities, which causes a change in brain and organ function and ultimately, a change in behavior, such as running away, hiding or freezing from traumatic events". In other, simpler words, fear is an emotion you feel when you believe something is gonna hurt you, kill you, or disrupt your life forever so to escape it, you either run, hide, play dead or pee your pants. Sometimes these behaviors occur at the same time and typically at least one behavior results in a change of pants after the fear subsides.

Fear can be our best ally and our worst opponent. Fear can tell your brain to run when you see a big, or in my case, small snake. Fear can tell you to duck when you see a baseball or a meteor falling from the sky. And fear can tell you to play dead when you find a creepy clown chilling out in your closet. Even though fear can be a terrible adversary, fear is what lead our ancestors to run to warmer climates during the ice age, to hide from deadly locusts that buzzed through the sky, and to play dead when they happened upon a T-rex while out picking berries. The fear response has kept us scaredy cat humans from becoming extinct time and time again, so a shout out to fear, and my big, fast, cissy ancestors.

Picture
Although fear may be necessary for our species to continue to survive and evolve, fear can really take the joy out of surviving all those horrible plagues, T-rex encounters and clowns hiding in your closet. Fear can suck the life out of the living. Believe me, I ought to know. More times than I can count, when staring down the face of fear, I have opted to wave the white flag, retreat, play dead and maybe once, ok, fine, twice,I even had to change my pants. Fear, 1,000. Me, 0.

I often lump fear and anxiety together, like it's one big emotion, one big word, "fearanxious". However, the big difference between fear and anxiety is that fear is a response to imminent danger, and anxiety, even though it may cause the body to have a response similar to fear, with anxiety, there is no imminent danger. Yeah, trying telling that to my head...and my bladder.

Picture
Tomato, tomato, fear, anxiety, no matter what you call it, it takes up a great deal of time and space in my life. Most of my trembling fear begins with the words, either spoken out loud, or reverberating inside my scaredy cat head, "What if?". "What if the plane I am finally brave enough to board in order to travel to beautiful places I have always wanted to see, crashes, even though it's a bizillion times safer than cruising around in my minivan?" "What if I do get on a plane, it doesn't crash, and while hiking through the Grand Canyon I step on a rattle snake and can't make it to safety before the toxic venom courses through my veins?" "What if my plane lands safely, I hike the beautiful terrain of the Grand Canyon, step on a rattler, and an EMT is just around the bend, but, he's wearing a clown face, nose and hair?".  "What if the clown performs a lobotomy and I finally stopped all the "what if'ing?"

Along with my perceived imminent dangers, and the dangers that are all just made up inside my scary brain, probably the biggest "What if" fear I ever had take up valuable space inside my overtaxed, donate it to science after a rattle snake or a clown kills me brain was, "What if he has autism?". The fear of such a diagnosis lead me to believe that there was imminent danger, danger that did in fact cause a "change in my behavior".

Picture
Often my fear of "What if autism?" was quickly followed by some negative word like "doesn't", "can't" or "won't". What if Ryan doesn't know I love him? What if Ryan can't live on his own? What if Ryan doesn't make friends? What if Ryan can't graduate from high school? What if Ryan doesn't get married? What if Ryan won't ever know a father's love? "What if", driven by fear and followed by such negative words, resulted in a terrible change in my behavior...fearing the worst, worrying about the future, and often missing the joy in the now.

Since the very first day the fear of autism introduced herself to me, my behavior changed. I constantly worried about the negative, the "doesn't", the "can't" and the "won't" that sometimes I missed the "does", the "can" and the "will". I would do anything, hold a live rattlesnake or sell my soul to a demonic clown, if I could just go back and see all the positives I missed while worrying about the negatives.

I'd love to tell you that my fear is gone. That my behavior has gone back to the way it should be and that all I focus on is the positive, but, that would not be AWEnest. My behavior, induced by fear, has changed somewhat, but, there are days I still run away, hide, or play dead. Fortunately, I have this amazingly AWEsome son who does not feel autism is something to fear, that autism is NOT an imminent danger. My son regularly kicks my fear, my worries, and my negatives right back in my scrunched up furrowed brow face and it is....glorious.

Picture
This past weekend was a perfect example of how my fear and my behavior gets stomped to the ground by my amazing boy. This past Saturday, Ryan participated in the PMEA Middle School Songfest. I dropped Ryan off at the Middle School at 6:30AM and he left with his choral director and six other students for a day of singing with over 130 kids he didn't know, in a school he had never been to, and no mom in sight until 4PM.

Of course the "What if's" followed by the negatives raced through my mind. "What if the change in the routine is too much and he won't participate?" "What if he can't tie his tie or his new shoes are too tight and he refuses to change his clothes?" "What if the day is too long, his sensory system is too taxed and he doesn't want to stay?". All the negatives, all the fear, all the anxiety overshadowed, again, the joy and excitement that Ryan was feeling while I went back home and crawled in my bed and played dead.

As I laid in my bed, letting the fear take over, I thought to myself, "What if it all goes ok?". "What if the schedule helps give him a routine and he can easily make it through the day?" "What if his excitement and pride for being chosen to attend the event is enough and he does tolerate his new shoes and choking tie?" "What if his love of music and his trust in his choral director will supersede the chaos of over 130 new kids in a new school and he loves it all?" That is precisely what happened. Ryan had a wonderful experience while I sat back glowing in the joy of having him prove me and my fear wrong, yet again.

I wish I could say my fear of autism has become extinct along with the dinosaurs or that my anxiety has flown away with the locusts, but, it hasn't. I have, however, gotten better at trying not to allow my fear of autism change my behavior. I have learned that even though I can still run from snakes, and hide from clowns, I can not run away or hide from autism. Just like my unbelievably brave son, I have to hold my ground, stand firm and face autism head on and not let the "won't's", "can't's" and "doesn't's" win.

Picture
Autism is a developmental disability that often effects the behavior of the person living with this diagnosis, yet, more often than not, it is my behavior that is effected by autism. My fear has "ultimately caused a change in my behavior". All my fears, all my anxieties, all my "What if's" followed by negative words and thoughts, has repeatedly caused me to miss all the good, all the positive, and all the joy. 

The joy in "What if's" such as, "What if he does find a perfect career fit and is happy and successful?" or "What if he does meet a girl and can have a healthy relationship and one day get married?" or "What if one day he will know a father's love?" are so much better than the fear induced, negative "What if's?". The "What if?" that matters most though is not about my worries, my dreams, or my joy. The most important "What if" is this, "What if Ryan lives his life as he chooses and is perfectly happy doing so?". 

Even if Ryan decides to become a circus clown, this mother will find joy in his happiness, however, he will not be able to wear the clown face, nose or the hair at the holiday dinner table. Perhaps once the future arrives, I can finally put my fear to rest. As long as Ryan becomes a clown who can perform lobotomies.

Picture
Proud siblings who never let fear stop them from seeing the AWEsomeness of their brother.
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    The Mighty Contributor

       Author

    Picture
    Keeping it real, raw, and AWEnest while laughing, loving and living in our world 
    touched by Autism.
    If you would like to subscribe to this blog ...

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

    Definition of Awe:
    "a mixed emotion of
    reverence, respect, dread and wonder inspired by authority, genius, great
    beauty, sublimity or might." Yep, someone should have consulted a mom 
    before
    spelling AWEtism.

    Archives

    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013

    Categories

    All
    A Blink Of An Eye
    Acceptance
    Advocates
    Aestivation
    Alone
    ASD
    ASD
    ASD And Disney
    ASD Empathy
    Asd Love
    Atypical
    Austin Powers
    Autism
    Autism Acceptance
    Autism Adults
    Autism And Alone
    Autism And Disney
    Autism And Emotions
    Autism And Fevers
    Autism And Field Trips
    Autism And Friends
    Autism And Homework
    Autism And Hope
    Autism And Lonely
    Autism And Media
    Autism And Police Interaction
    Autism Awareness
    Autism Awareness 2016
    Autism Brothers
    Autism Emotions
    Autism Empathy
    Autism Feelings
    Autism Friends
    Autism Idioms
    Autism Journey
    Autism Lessons
    Autism Love
    Autism Meltdown
    Autism Moms
    Autism Routine
    Autism Routines
    Autism Self Advocacy
    Autism Self-Awareness
    Autism Siblings
    Autism Speaks
    Autism Spectrum Disorders
    Autism Swimming
    Autism Tour Guide
    Autistic Enough
    Awe Inspiring
    Awe-inspiring
    Back To School
    Baseball
    Beach
    Beauty
    Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
    Big
    Black And White Thinking
    Brady Bunch
    Bravery
    Breaking Bad
    Bridge Over Troubled Water
    Bugs
    Bullying
    Champion
    Change
    Change Of Heart
    Changes
    Chatty Cathy Doll
    Childhood
    Christmas
    Clothes And Autism
    Clueless
    College
    Communicating
    Communication Skills
    Comparing Disabilities
    Confidence
    Conscious Uncoupling
    Creepers
    Criticsm
    Day Of Pampering
    Death And Dying
    Denial
    Diet
    Differences
    Different
    Different Not Less
    Disability
    Disney World
    Donkey
    Donuts
    Dr. Seuss
    Early Bird Gets The Worm
    Eddie Murphy
    Ed Sheeran
    Educators
    Emily Dickinson
    Emoji
    Estivation
    Facebook
    Facial Cues
    Fear Of Santa
    Fears
    Fifty Shades Of Grey
    First
    Flags Of Autism
    Friends
    Gifts
    Groundhog Day
    Growing Up
    Guest Blogger
    Hades
    Halloween
    Happy
    He Is There
    Helicoptoring
    He Loves Me
    He Loves Me Not
    History Of Autism
    Holidays And Autism
    Homecoming
    Homework
    Honesty
    Hope
    Hovering
    Hygiene
    Hygiene Autism
    I Am Sorry
    I Am You
    Idioms
    Include
    Inclusion
    Inside Out
    Instagram
    Invisible
    IPhone
    It Takes A Village
    John Elder Robison
    Judgement
    Julia Muppet
    Kate Upton
    Kisses
    Language
    Left Out
    Legacy Of Autism
    Letter To Me
    Letter To My Son
    Lifeguard
    Limited Diet
    Listen To Your Heart
    Literal Thinking
    Loch Ness Monster
    Loving A Child With Autism
    Matthew McConaughey
    Minecraft
    Minecraft Autism
    Moms
    Mother's Day
    Mothers Day
    Mothers Disabled Children
    Mothers Love
    Mothers Of Children With Autism
    Music
    Musical Gift
    Music Autism
    Myths About Autism
    Neurotribes
    New Clothes
    New Years
    Not Alone
    Not Less
    Parenting
    Peanut Gallery
    People Magazine
    Peter Brady Voice Change
    Pets
    Piano
    Placebo Effect
    Play
    Pointing
    Police
    Pool
    Proud To Stand Out
    Read Across America
    Relief Pitcher
    Remorse
    Risks
    Rituals
    Roar
    Routines
    Same Old Song And Dance
    School
    Scripting
    Sensory
    Sesame Street
    Sharing Interests
    Sharks
    Showers
    Showing
    Shrek
    Siblings
    Singing
    Small Talk
    Social
    Social Circles
    Social Communication Disorder
    Social Media
    Social Skills
    Speech
    Stereotypes
    Steve Silberman
    Stickers
    Summer
    Summer Camps Autism
    Support
    Surfers Healing
    Talk The Talk
    #TBT
    Teacher
    Teachers
    Team
    Temple Grandin
    Thankful
    Thanksgiving
    The AWEnesty Of Autism
    The A Word
    #thedress
    The Jeffersons
    The Old Me
    The Outsiders
    Throwback Thursday
    To Tell Or Not To Tell
    Touch
    Trick Or Treat
    Trying To Understand
    Unexpected
    Vacations And Autism
    Vacations And Autism
    Video Games
    Walk The Walk
    Walter White
    Weather
    Wheaties
    Wine
    Wishes
    Wizard Of Oz
    Words
    World Autism Awareness Day
    Zombies

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.