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You Know Who You Are

9/22/2015

4 Comments

 
To Those Who Do Not Take My Son's Sensory Issues Seriously (you know who you are),

Yeah, he's a picky eater. Yeah, his diet isn't great. Yeah, he knows Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal is not a food group. And yeah, even though he is hungry, he's still not going to eat your (insert anything here that is not Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal, Vanilla Oreos, Velveeta Shells and Cheese, pizza, apples or Pringles). It's not because he is "spoiled". It's not because we "give in to him". It's not because we "always let him win". And it's not because your mac and cheese sucks, it's because he has sensory processing difficulties and he is NOT going to eat it....not today, not tomorrow, not next Thursday. I hate to break it to you, but, it's not about ME, it's not about YOU, it's about HIM.

Although you may think, "He will eat it when he gets hungry enough", chances are, he won't. And as a mother who understands him, advocates for him and loves him, I'm never gonna test your ignorant, callous theory. Unless of course I can try the theory out on you first? Would you be willing to try "just a bite" of some rotting food out of a dumpster on a hot summer day? Because, no offense, that's exactly what your mac and cheese smells and tastes like to him.

These sensory struggles come as a result of his autism, not as a result of poor parenting or because he is a "stubborn, strong willed child". His sensory system is on heightened alert because his brain processes his sense of smell, taste, sight and touch differently than you and I do, so not eating your mac and cheese is not meant to offend you, it's meant to protect him. Eating what he is use to, what he knows he likes, makes him feel safe. Even though your mac and cheese may have won you a prize at the local ladies auxillary function, your mac and cheese to my son is an unpredictable threat.

When he was little, he would yell, "no, no, no" when an undesirable, new, threatening food was placed before him. Now that he is older and has found his voice, he is better able to explain how threatening your mac and cheese is to his sensory system. "My brain and my body will not let THAT food go in my mouth." It doesn't matter if it's a stinky, hard boiled egg, a delicious smelling, warm and gooey brownie, or your award winning mac and cheese, his brain and his body say "no" and I respect that, because I respect him. I just wish you would.

If perhaps you would read some of the articles, blog posts, and books I have suggested to you so that you can try and understand him and his sensory system better, maybe you would spend less time fighting him and more time relating to him. You might see how far he has come and not how far you believe he still has to go. You may see HIM and not your untouched mac and cheese. If you just tried to "get it", then maybe next time you are zipping through the grocery store you would just pick up a box of Velveeta Shells and Cheese and toss it in your cart rather than complaining about the wasted mac and cheese you made from scratch. The mac and cheese you believe "tastes so much better" than Velveeta's and the mac and cheese he refused to eat the last time he was at your house. And the time before that too.

To you and the ladies of your local auxillary, your mac and cheese may be "to die for", but, for Ryan and people who struggle with sensory processing, they believe your mac and cheese might just be what they die from. Don't take it personally. In fact, just take yourself out of the equation altogether because it's not about YOU, or your award winning mac and cheese, it's about HIM.

Next time we come to visit, just serve the Velveeta Shells and Cheese not because you are "giving in", "spoiling him" or "always letting him win", but, because you love him, respect him and are trying to understand him and his sensory sensitivities. Maybe by taking the time to educate yourself (if you actually read this) about this amazing person you love, you will be more aware, more accepting, and more understanding. Perhaps then, you will finally see HIM and not what is or isn't on his plate.

Sincerely, 

Ryan's Mom, aka, "The Enabler"
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4 Comments
Lynnet
9/22/2015 07:38:52 pm

Been there. Fought that. Right before my MIL passed away (Connor was ten) she told me that she regretted not trying harder to understand him from the beginning. The last year of her life they got very close. She got it. Finally. It wasn't about her. Or me. Or my husband. It was about him.

Reply
Kate link
9/22/2015 07:54:06 pm

Lynett, I'm so sorry for your loss, but, I'm so glad your MIL finally "saw" Connor and learned to love and appreciate him and his "picky eater" status!

Reply
Nat
9/23/2015 08:34:31 am

I thought my son,and I,had won this battle.He was happy with the foods he liked,and his eating habits.He was happy his college offered him choices that allowed him to continue this,and he requested to eat a meal all 3 times we visited campus.He even learned to navigate how to handle eating out,while on a business meeting,or filed trip.
And then I sent him to his grandparents in New Mexico,who had asked-asked!!!-for his and his sisters info on what foods they liked.Neither I nor they,had any expectation that they would be catered to,they can cook for themselves.But instead of accepting what they had given as feedback,or to offer to take them to the grocery,they put my son-once again-through the food wringer.They ate out almost every night-which is a struggle for him,so he chooses burgers-and then they mocked him on his choice,why wouldn't he choose from all the flavorful Mexican food?He can't process spices,and they overwhelm him.The kicker was the night my FIL decided to take them all to a Thai restaurant-because his wife's adult daughter is a vegetarian-and my son went into panic.He had no clue what was what,and when he got his food-he couldn't eat.My heart broke,that 2 people he has known for 20 years,would be so insensitive and oblivious.

Reply
Colleen
11/12/2015 11:31:42 am

I just joined this journey - my 4 year old son has been pre-diagnosed with ASD. We have been struggling with food issues and a friend sent me a link to this post. Thank you!

Reply



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